When we last left our heroes, Big Time Hollywood Director Barry Sonnenfeld and self-proclaimed “best actor of this generation/golden god of the soundtrack game” Will Smith had been kicked out of their respective homes by their respective wives, thus leading them to decide to move in together. Today’s transcript picks up pretty much where the last one left off.
For those of you just joining the party, do yourself a favor and catch up on the past adventures of Will Smith here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here.
Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no doubt that it’s been a while since I last made one of these here Top Five Lists, but I assure you that I haven’t lost my touch. Much like Rocky in the most recent Rocky movie, I’ve still got it.
Today’s list was inspired by a game of Boggle I played the other day. One of the words I found on the board was “peen,” which was deemed “not a word” by pretty much everyone at the table. I was disheartened by their lack of intellectual and linguistic largesse, but there was no way I was about to cross that word off my list. I found “peen” and “peens;” that’s three whole points. In the world of competitive Boggle, every little bit counts.
Well, imagine my competitors’surprise when we opened up the dictionary and found this entry:
Peen: wedge or ball shaped end of a hammer.
At first glance, I was glad to keep my points with no fight (my final score for the round: 5), but the more I thought about it, the dirtier I felt. A peen isn’t a part of a hammer; it’s a dick.
I stared at that dictionary entry, and a feeling of disgust washed over me. In our modern world, we don’t give nearly enough respect to slang. Every few months, we hear about Webster relaxing his overly-clenched anus and letting some new slang term into his sacred tome. Almost invariably, they induct some technology-related word: blog, twitter, gizmobob. Webster never, ever shows any love to the world of anatomical slang. And that’s a shame. A damn shame.
Well, I’ve never been one to give any respect to the establishment. I’ve always been one to look the establishment in it’s eye (the establishment is a cyclops) and say, “Hey Establishment, you don’t own me, man.” And it’s in that tritely roguish spirit that I bring you today’s list. Yeah, man, I don’t have the same values as you, Establishment. I’m going to honor things you’re not so into.
Alright, it’s the Top Five Anatomical Slang Terms. Let’s get it on.
Holy shit. Do I ever have something great for you today. I know it’s been quite a while since I’ve posted a Barry Sonnenfeld transcript here in the blog, but I think after you read what’s to come, you’ll forget all about this lengthy dry spell.
So far, I’ve mostly posted transcripts that have had to do with Barry Sonnenfeld’s professional life, conversations between Sonnenfeld and various movie stars regarding serious show business. Beside the transcript of the time that Will Smith crashed Sonnenfeld’s Christmas dinner, the private life of Barry Sonnenfeld has gone mostly unexplored. Not anymore.
I was looking through these transcripts, trying to find the juiciest one I could find, and I’m making no exaggeration when I say that this one blew my mind, mostly because it deals with an event that I didn’t know ever happened, and I am certain that no one in the media has ever reported about this scoop. It’s probably too juicy.
As it turns out, in mid-1997, just after the release of Men In Black, while both Barry Sonnenfeld and Will Smith’s marriages were “on the skids,” the two men decided to take some time away from their wives and get a place together. They were frequent collaborators, dear friends, and as I’ve just learned, roommates. This is some amazing stuff, people. This transcript which you are about to read may be the most exposing, most personal piece of pop culture history ever recorded. Thank God you all have me to bring it to you.
Some of you may be blown away to learn this, but I recently got a job. I know it sounds unlikely, but I assure you it’s true. Between putting in some hours at the job and finishing up this last semester of school, I have really let my blog duties fall by the wayside. But here I am now. I am back, and with any luck I’ll stay that way.
As distracting and tiring as my new job is, there is one serious upside to the arrangement, and I’m not talking about getting paid. This damn company pays its employees once a month! How am I supposed to make a budget? I’m way too irresponsible to be able to predict what I’m going to need three weeks down the line. No, the upside is something far greater than money; it’s the gift of timing.
I love conservative talk radio. I love listening to Sean Hannity, Neil Boortz, and the man who will save us all, Michael Savage. These men really grasp the concept of talk radio, at least they do more than any liberals on the dial; these men understand the term “theater of the mind.” I almost never agree with them, but I sincerely enjoy being yelled at by them.
Still, as much as I love the angry talk, I can’t bring myself to listen to any of it while I’m sitting around at home. There’s just too much esoteric Muslim hip-hop and pornography here at the house. But now that I have a job, I have a reason to be in my car at just the right times to get my dose of conservative rage.
I go into work at around 3, so on my way in I get to listen to the smuggest man in the world, Sean Hannity. His new opening lines about “the conservative underground,” and how his show is the home of “conservatism in exile” are amazing. For the last eight years, I’ve thought that the Democrats were really good at being the opposition party. The posturing of the youth movement, the standing up against an authoritarian power, the hope for the future; it was all great stuff. Now, I’m coming to realize that all that shit was child’s play.
But, that’s not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about something I heard Hannity talking about the other day.
Hannity was complaining that the Democrats exist in the same “culture of corruption” that the Democrats complained about when the Republicans were in power. He went on to list a bunch of names of Democratic politicians who are allegedly corrupt, though I have no idea what Jack Murtha did that was so out of line, save for possibly smoking weed out of a human femur while in-country in Vietnam.
The thing that struck me about his list was that these people he listed were on very disparate levels of government. He was listing ex-mayors, senators, city councilmen, and state representatives. As best as I recall, whenever I heard Democratic talkers complaining about corruption, they were talking about members of the Senate or the House; it was all Congress members. They were talking about people who were logically connected to each other.
For whatever reason, this made me think of my days working at a certain local movie theater. In the early days of my employment there, everyone stole anything they could from the theater, and no one cared. I once had a contest with a co-worker to see who could pocket the most money from the box office. The managers didn’t care and may have even complicit, there were no employees who were interested in whistleblowing. However, the fun came to an end, and all the managers were replaced and most of the employees were fired. Flash-forward about a year: people are still stealing tons of money and candy, but the managers were unaware of it, and if they had found out about it, something would have be done about it.
I think this is a perfect analogy for Washington. You can’t expect politicians not to be corrupt just like you can’t expect miserable 17 year-olds not to steal Laffy Taffy when they’re stoned, working a shitty job. The difference is this: when the Republicans were in office, the managers were in on the action. Now that the Democrats are in office, the guys stealing have to be careful to make sure the managers don’t catch wind of it, and thus the brazenness of the thievery has to decrease. And to me, because I’m not a politician, that’s a good thing.
Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry that this Real World/Road Rules Challenge Episode Recap is coming so late.I made the mistake of accepting a friend’s invitation to a poker game last night, and as such, I wasn’t able to see the newest episode of The Duel 2 until this morning.
I realized after the sort of disorder in my last write-up that I needed some sort of structure in this bit.After a good bit of reflection, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I’m good at making lists.Why not make a list out of this?And that’s how it’s going to be; here is my list of the top five people from last night’s episode of the greatest, most pointless, reality game show on television.Let’s do this thing.
Children, it’s been quite a while since I’ve come to you to express my outrage about a news item.I suppose it’s possible that I’ve calmed down some.Not probable.More likely, I’ve been insanely lazy lately, and whenever I read some story about a Sunday school teacher sexually assaulting and killing a kid or about a 13 year old robbing a bank, my immediate reaction is to be furious, which lasts about ten seconds before I get bored with my own rage, and decide that the only appropriate course towards justice and reconciliation is for me to beat off, then watch re-runs of Lost.
However, today I read a story that I cannot ignore.No, I fear that if I don’t speak up about this, no one will.
“Jennifer Gaster and Daniel Martin II, both 30, are accused of snorting cocaine and drinking beer and vodka the night before they found [their] baby dead.”
Now, that sounds terrible!String them up, I say!How dare these parents act so irresponsibly?How’d the baby die?I bet they were so fucked up that they forgot to feed the kid.No, no; I bet they left dangerous chemicals around the kid.No, no; I bet they weren’t paying attention and the kid crawled into a pool.Wait, it couldn’t be that; they were snorting cocaine, not smoking weed.
As it turns out: the “Fayette County couple will stand trial on child endangerment charges because state police said they were too drunk and high to notice their 2-month-old daughter dying of sudden infant death syndrome.”
The kid died of SIDS?How can that be anyone’s fault?The death is fucking “sudden.”It would be a totally different thing if the kid died of “Gradual Infant Death Syndrome” (GRIDS, but not the one you’re thinking of), then maybe the parents could have done something about it.
I understand that these people are not great parents.You probably shouldn’t be downing vodka and snorting coke when you have a two-month old kid, but as I see it, no crime was committed here.If there’s no way you could have stopped a tragedy from happening, no matter what, but it just so happens that when you actually fail to stop said tragedy you’re high and drunk, your drug use really shouldn’t be held against you.
This is an absolute tragedy, and I’m sure these two people are going to be incredibly heartbroken over their loss.I’m also sure that their guilt will punish them in a more profound way than the state ever could.
Hey, wait a second, aren’t we in economic dire straights?Weren’t there a bunch of ta parties the other day?I know this won’t entirely solve the problem, but I’ve got an idea about how to save a little bit in terms of government spending: CUT IT OUT WITH CASES LIKE THIS!How many man-hours are being wasted between the cops who responded to the scene to the lawyers who are going to argue the case?What’s the best case scenario here?What kind of charge are they going to get to stick?Either the state fails in convicting them and they will have wasted a bunch of money on the trial, or the state will succeed in convicting them and they will have to pay to incarcerate them for however fucking long they get sentenced to.That’s fucking win-win!
But, of course, they can’t just let them go.No way.I mean, these are the type of people who are going to go on a spree!Stop them before they party while another baby dies of SIDS.
As always, I must be off to work on my spaceship.I’ll be out of here soon.
It’s that time again.That’s right, it’s time for a new season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
Now, I know a lot of you out there are saying, “hey Dan, the season started last week.What gives, dickweed?”And, you have a decent point.Last week was very traumatic for me, as I had to say goodbye to “king of the world” CT during the first episode for the second straight season.Thankfully, he left us with a choice quote.Last time, it was “Who?That gay kid?”This time, it’s “I’m gonna smash his head and eat it.”CT, you are a beast of a man, and you’re always amazing to watch on television.I wish that we could get more than one hour of you every two years, but if that’s the way it has to be, I’m happy to have that hour.I’d rather have that hour than 1000 hours of dingbats like Adam, Ace, Dunbar, or Davis.You’ll be missed, Beantown Prince.
So, it was with a heavy heart that I couldn’t bring myself to comment on last week’s episode.However, I’ve taken my time and regrouped, and now I am back to full strength and ready to discuss the shit out of The Duel 2.
There will be some spoilerish things talked about here, so please join me after the jump.
Ladies and gentlemen, it has been way too long since I’ve made myself a little Top Five List, and I’m sure that you’ve been getting restless waiting for me.It is my great pleasure to inform you that your wait is officially over.
It’s been a great struggle balancing standup and blogging, but I’m learning how to do it, and I appreciate you sticking with me.There’s an added problem, however, with my Top Five Lists, and that is that I’m not allowed to come up with the topics for the lists I write.I’ve employed a few list-assigners who have gone on to bigger and better things, and I’ve received a few stray suggestions from stalwart Friesen Pointers, but the truth is that the bit lacks consistency.What I’m trying to say is that I need your help here.Please don’t hesitate to send me any list topics you’d like to see made into a definitive and absolute Top Five List.
Alright, now that that’s out of the way, on to today’s business.Today’s list was actually assigned to me by a celebrity guest list assigner, none other than Nicolas Cage.He did so in a dream, but I tell you as certainly as I tell you that I have a huge beard that it was truly him.
I was walking around a dream forest, having a dream conversation with my trusted dream guide, CT (“The Beantown Prince”), about various plot inconsistencies from the second and third seasons of Heroes, when out of nowhere, Nicolas Cage approached.
“Dan,” he said.
“Yes, Nicolas Cage.What can I do for you?” I replied.
“This is a dream, but I come bearing an important message, a task you must perform.”
“Clearly this is my dream, because if it was yours, you probably would have done something about that forehead.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you have a big, off-putting forehead.”
“Did you know that it was a Mason practice to make the man among their group with the biggest, shiniest forehead their leader and king?”
“Goddamn it, National Treasure is not real!You’re not a treasure hunter, you’re the same sleazy actor who tried to steal Kathleen Turner’s dog back in 1986“
“Look, it’s your dream.”
“What does that mean?”
“What does that mean to you?”
“Can it, Cage.Let’s just get to the message.”
“Young Friesen, you must make a definitive list of the Top Five Names of Roles I’ve Played.Yay, you do this one epic task, and your name shall be written forever in the anals of time.”
“Don’t you mean “annals?”
“I’m pretty sure it’s anal.”
“Alright, a list of your Top Five Character Names?I could make that with my eyes closed.You didn’t need to go through all the trouble of coming to me in a dream like this; I mean, you could have just emailed me.”
“It’s no problem at all.Your dream is on the way to your six-year old neighbor’s dream, which, if you’ll excuse me, is to where I must be off.”
“You’re a weird dude, Nicolas Cage.”
“Thank you.”
“Oh, real quick, before you go; I saw Knowing the other day.”
“And…”
“Not good.You gotta hit us with National Treasure 3 quick.The public’s getting restless.”
“Want an exclusive spoiler about NT3?”
“About as much as I want to somehow stumble into a lucrative career producing amateur BBW porn.Hit me, Cage.”
“I can’t tell you everything, but one of the plot points involves me becoming president, so I can fake my own death, and sneak into Kennedy’s grave in Arlington.”
“Does this have something to do with aliens and the imminent resurrection of Napoleon?”
“I can’t say.”
“I knew it!”
“Alright, I’m out of here.I’ve got a child to scare.”
“Godspeed Nic Cage.”
And then I woke up, and I knew what I had to do: I had to make a list of the Top Five Nicolas Cage Character Names, which I will do now.Let’s get it on.
As promised, here is the video (after the jump) of my set at Deja Vu from last week. I know that I said I would post it sooner, but there was a little catch. Two people actually taped the show, and I had it in mind that I would edit the two videos together and make something that looks nice and professional. Unfortunately, it turned out that one of the videographers (thank you anyway, Evan) had some trouble with his camera, and after reviewing my options, I decided that it might not be worth the effort to combine the videos.
It’s a good thing that the one video that did come out right came out great. Thanks again to all the people who came out to see the show, and special thanks go to my brother, David, for taping the show so expertly. Enjoy.
Ladies and gentlemen, things have really been popping off around Columbia for yours truly. The As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show has been going like gangbusters, I just did a very successful show at Deja Vu last night (video coming soon), and my dear friend/partner at AYUCS, Kyle Ayers, and I just finished working on a short comedic film.
The film, “Dan Needs A Nickname,” was written by me, directed by a very drunk Matt Swearngin, and expertly edited by Kyle Ayers. I really hope you enjoy it, and there’ll be many more coming in the next few months.
