Friesen’s Top Five List #10: World Flags

Well, Nicky Gifts is back to his old tricks today, or at least he thinks he is.  He must have seen the glee with which I made yesterday’s list on Movies Starring Rappers and he just couldn’t take it.  He had to slow my roll, bring me down to earth.  Thus, he assigned me to write a top five list today about World Flags.

I say that he only thinks he’s up to his old tricks because there’s something old Mr. Gifts isn’t taking into consideration, namely that I know a lot about World Flags.  I mean, I took a Geography class in high school that was taught by the lacrosse coach; give me a little credit.  Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourself for the most informative and educational top five list ever written.  It’s the Top Five World Flags: let’s get it on.

Friesen Point’s “Songs I Miss From Bands Who’ve Disappeared” #3: “Dream”

For the longest time (9 years, to be exact), I had a song running through my head that I wasn’t sure even existed.  I knew that the band was called “Forest For The Trees,” I knew that the song featured bagpipes, and I knew that the chorus included the lines “when I am dreaming, I don’t know if I’m asleep or if I’m awake; when I wake up, I don’t know if I’m truly awake, or if I’m still dreaming.”  Other than that, I had no idea.  I would often sing the chorus to friends or new acquaintances, in hopes that someone else would have ever heard the song and confirm for me its existence.

In time, I came to suspect that the song was merely something I had invented in my childhood dreams and it was a mistake for me to assume that anyone else had ever heard it.  Just when I was ready to give up all hope of ever hearing the song again, save for in my head, another lyric came to me.  “I’m the first person, you’re the second person, earlier today I was in the third person.”  That’s when it hit me: I never would have written that.  I would have written about “he” or “she” being in the third person.

Adding to the terrible confusion, Youtube searches of the words “forest for the trees” yielded no results.  A Google search of the same words provided a few answers.  I learned that the band Forest For The Trees did exist.  I learned that in 1997, they had a song that made it to number 18 on the modern rock charts and got played on MTV.  It was called “Dream.”

I became obsessed.  Like Ponce De Leon searching out the Fountain of Youth, I searched out this song.  I frequently looked through the local record stores, even asking the clerk at one to order the CD for me.  He gave me the most incredulous look, assuring me that either the CD didn’t exist or that it wasn’t available from their supplier.  After about a year on a feverish hunt, I decided that it just wasn’t to be.  I had confirmation that I wasn’t crazy, but I would never hear that sweet, sweet bagpipe solo ever again.

On a whim (drunk), I searched Youtube again six months ago, and what should I find but the Dream music video.  Hoorah!  It was as good as I remembered, but hearing it again raised a lot of questions in my head.  First, why did this song only make it to #18?  In 1997, Robert Bradley’s Blackwater Surprise’s “California” made it to number 1 on the same chart.  What the fuck was that song?  Does anyone remember that one?  Second, why did Forest For The Trees only have one hit?  Their sound was so original, so unlike the Third Eye Blind, Wallflowers, Sublime bullshit that was dominating the airwaves back then.  So, what the fuck happened?

I hope Forest For The Trees is doing well today, but I fear for the worst.  I fear that the drummer has locked himself in his library where he bottles his urine and watches films of airplanes on a 35 millimeter projector.  I fear that the bagpipe player (the bagpipist?  Bagpiper?) was killed by his girlfriend, whom he frequently emotionally abandoned, by suffocating him with a massive potato.  I fear that the lead singer snuck backstage after a magic show and fell into the magician’s hat, which transported him to a magical land inhabited by walking, talking hats who are very, very fond of puns.  Oh, lord, I hope they’re doing better than that.

I miss you, Forest For The Trees.  Write another hit.

That 14 Year Old Girl Turned Out To Be Pretty Dangerous Too

Akon is back!

I have found my official summer jam, that will retain that position until R. Kelly releases something about beating the child porn rap.  I will confess that I almost named Tyga’s “Coconut Juice” the “Summer Jam of The Year,” based entirely on the appearance in the video by Gym Class Heroes lead singer Travis.  Unfortunately, this song lost any chance it had at the title when Tyga made the fatal error of letting Travis touch the mic.  A charismatic front man he may be, but that fucking guy couldn’t rap his way out of a punctured douche bag.  I think I lost control of that metaphor, but I’m sure you get the point.  Tyga should write a book about how to lose any street credibility you may have (Chapter 1: Put Travis from The Gym Class Heroes in your debut video.  Chapter 2: Let Travis from The Gym Class Heroes drop a shitty guest rap on your debut single.  Chapter 3: Put Pete Wentz in your debut video).

No, Tyga does not get to claim the title of Summer Jam Maker of 2008.  That honor goes to Kardinal Offishall and Akon, thanks to their new single “Dangerous.”

The song is catchy, upbeat, and good for drinking to.  Plus, as anyone who knows me will tell you, I am a man who loves a song where a guy warns you to stay away from a girl because she’s trouble.  I love Hall & Oates’ Maneater, I love The Eagles’ Witchy Woman, I love Blood Sweat and Tears’ Lucretia McEvil.  This seems to be a theme that has universal appeal.  Artists from the world of Smooth Jams write about it, as do R&B crooners, rappers, and horn-rockers.  Whenever I hear a song like this, I always wonder what the woman’s side of the story is.  I’m sure it’s a lot different, except in the case of Lucretia McEvil.  I mean, her name is McEvil, for Christ’s sake.

Much like Jesus returning from the dead after three days, Akon has returned after having three horrible singles (Romeo’s “Get Low Wit It,” Wyclef’s “Sweetest Girl,” and Colby O’Donis’s “What You Got”) that have almost made me believe that he may have never been the savior of the R&B genre.  It was wrong of me to falter in my faith, however, since Akon is fucking back, and he’s in top form.

It may be the end of June, but there’s a lot of summer left, and if I know anything, I know that we’re going to be hearing a lot more of this single.

(Update: alright, it turns out that this single has been out for about two months now.  Whatever.  I’m too old to watch MTV Hits until 4 in the morning like I used to.  What I said still stands: this is the summer jam of ’08.)

Friesen’s Top Five List #9: Movies Starring Rappers

Ah, finally, a list I can really sink my teeth into.  I think after Nicky Gifts assigned me a couple throw-away list topics like currencies and rivers, he realized that it was time to throw me a meatball, right in my wheelhouse.

Today, I make an epic list.  Today, I make a list of the Top Five Movies Starring Rappers.

This was a hard topic to approach.  I decided that, though it would be taken into consideration, the rapper would not have to direct or be in creative control of the movie.  That list would be too hard to write.  That said, I also decided that movies like “Exit Wounds” (DMX) had to be disqualified, because that movie starred Steven Segal.  The rapper has to be the main star of the movie.

Alright, we’ve got the guidelines down, now it’s time for the list.  Top Five Movies Starring Rappers: let’s get it on.

I’ve Lost A Lot Of Faith In The Public As A Whole

I often get depressed about the direction in which this world is heading.  I go about my daily life, and I try to be social and open to strangers, but I almost always find myself confused and under whelmed.  I often find myself not understanding what people are talking about, and it’s not because I’m stupid, but because a lot of people speak so vaguely that I find myself struggling to interpret what they’re saying.   My mind works abstractly, and I just can’t deal with people who only think and communicate in a concrete manner.  When I ask someone a question, I very rarely want a one word answer; I can’t do anything with that.

But I digress.  I was saying that the world is going down the tubes.  Nothing proves this to me more than my “Google Analytics” report for this blog.  In the report, I can find out what terms people searched for to arrive at my blog.  I understand that I bring some of this on myself, and it’s understandable that “boner” or “titties” are going to pop up here and there.  Today, I think the wheels have officially fallen off the wagon.

At 8:34 (Central) this morning, someone found my blog after searching for “is it illegal to talk dirty online?”  I find this really troubling for a number of reasons

1) That’s awfully early to be concerned about the legality of cyber sex.

2) The search itself leads me to believe that the person who made the search is a total creep.  Why would it be illegal to talk dirty online?  Is it illegal to talk dirty in person?  Talking dirty is totally legal unless you’re harassing someone.  This seems so obvious that I have to believe that the searcher was talking about talking dirty to children.  And just in case anyone else searches for that and finds this blog in the future: yes.  It is illegal to talk dirty to children online.

Yet, this likely pedophile is not the most alarming thing about my search report.  Just over two hours later, at 10:41 in the AM, someone (God help them) searched for “Anthony Hopkins fucking.”  What?

I know that celebrity sex tapes are quite en vogue these days, and I understand that even if a celebrity isn’t very attractive (Chyna), there is still a sick, voyeuristic fascination in the public’s part, but this is too much.  Anthony Hopkins doesn’t even want to see Anthony Hopkins fucking.

I understand the hullabaloo over a possible Mini Me sex tape, since he is a surly drunk midget, but I cannot abide by the possibility of an Anthony Hopkins sex tape.  I cannot abide by anyone wanting to see an Anthony Hopkins sex tape.  Seriously, I have a lunch to eat.

On a totally unrelated note, does anyone know how I can get my hands on a video of Robert Duvall getting a BJ?

Friesen Point’s “Songs I Miss From Bands Who’ve Disappeared” #2: “Detachable Penis”

There are few songs that have made a greater impact on my young life than King Missile’s “Detachable Penis.”  It was a song that was dirty, it was adult themed, but most importantly, it was funny.  I should probably give this a little context.  I was eight years old when this song came out.  No, forget that, I still think it’s funny, 16 years later.

Detachable Penis tells the story of a man whose wang is detachable.  He goes out to a party, gets really drunk, then can’t find his penis the next day.  Such a fanciful story!  People say that there are only four actual stories that can be written and that everything modern is just a rewriting of something classical.  I have studied a little mythology and classics, and I’ve never seen a story about Dongesthanes, the god of removable genitalia.  Thus, I feel confident in saying that King Missile may have created an entirely original narrative.

I hope that King Missile is doing well today, but I fear for the worst.  I fear that the bassist is awaiting execution by being drawn and quartered for leading a rally against President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono in Jakarta.  I fear that the drummer is taking undergraduate classes in Textile and Apparel Management at Boise State University.  I fear that King Missile himself is living is squaller, having wasted all his money in an ill fated campaign to shut down the Del Taco down the street from his house because one of their employees spit on his Macho Nachos.  Oh, lord, I hope they’re doing better than that.

I miss you, King Missile.  Write another hit.

Friesen’s Top Five List #8: World Currencies

I think Nicky Gifts is trying to give me a very subtle message today.  His assignment is to make a top five list of world currencies.  I think he’s trying to tell me that he wants money for the utilities bills.  Seriously Nick, you’ll get your money.  You know I’m good for it.  You don’t need to take it out on me by assigning me a list about a subject I know nothing about.

Alright, I just gotta get it together.  I can make this list.  I made a list of American Generals, this can’t be much worse.

I see almost no difference between currencies.  Each one seems as good as the next, so how in the hell am I to judge?  I’ve decided that only currencies with which I’ve had contact should be eligible.  Additionally, I have decided that it doesn’t make sense to rank currencies purely by their strength or value.  To do so would be sickly capitalistic.  No, I am going to rank these currencies fairly arbitrarily, purely on my own whims.

Here it comes, the Friesen Point Top Five Currencies List: let’s get it on.

Friesen Point’s “Songs I Miss From Artists Who’ve Disappeared” #1: “In The Meantime”

I was watching VH1’s “I Love The New Millennium” earlier today, and I was very shocked.  Instant nostalgia had outdone itself.  They were talking wistfully about things that happened less than five years ago.  I wondered how they could get away with that, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there must be tons of money in it.  As soon as I had that realization, I knew that I had to try to wet my beak in this nostalgia money, but how?

I could write about Taco Bell limited edition menu items from the past that I miss, but my heart probably wouldn’t be in it.  I could write about times from my past when I should have been arrested but wasn’t, but I’m unclear on what the statute of limitations is on certain crimes.

I decided that the best course of action would be to write about songs I really enjoyed in the past, but haven’t heard in a long time.  Additionally, these songs will be from bands that haven’t been heard from in a long time, except by their serious fans.

Today, I submit to you Spacehog’s “In the Meantime.”  I loved this song.  That bassline was infectious, and the “ooooh’s” were so fun to sing along with.  When I learned to play bass, this was the second bassline I learned (the first: The Mighty Mighty Bosstones’ “Another Drinking Song”).

I was 12 when this song came out, so my memories aren’t crystal clear, but I seem to recall something about Spacehog being a gay band, and watching this video for the first time in over ten years lens a little credence to that fuzzy memory.  This video is a little gay, but who cares?  That bassline is sick.

I hope that Spacehog is doing well today, but I fear for the worst.  I fear that the bassist is blowing donkeys down in Chihuahua for cerveza.  I fear that the drummer is listening to this song on repeat, cutting himself with a red hot dagger.  I fear that the lead singer has been captured by the much feared Hotumbo tribe of southwest Kenya, having wandered into their territory during a heroin-fueled “spirit quest.”  Oh, lord, I hope they’re doing better than that.

I miss you, Spacehog.  Write another hit.

Impending Domain Name Goldrush!

Big possible news today.  This one’s possibly big, so big it’s a two-parter.

Part 1: There is a group in existence called the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers.  This is a non-for profit group that isn’t directly controlled by the government.  They are responsible for all things involving assignment of names and numbers online.

Part 2: The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers is considering allowing people to have websites with any domain name they want.  The days of the “.com” and “.org” oppression are over!

I have said for a long time that porn sites should all be .sex.  I’m all for pornography, as you may know by now, but I have a certain amount of concern about children accidentally stumbling onto porn sites.  When I was a kid, “gamefaqs.com” was a site that featured walkthroughs and faqs for popular video games.  “Gamefaq.com” was an amazingly hardcore porn site that featured beastiality.  As curious as I was as a child, I don’t think I would have willingly visited an animal porn site, and if it had been gamefaq.sex, I never would have seen a woman make love to a jaguar at age ten.

But, of course, the reason gamefaq.com existed was to trick kids into giving them traffic.  Reputable porn producers wouldn’t do something like this; it’s a desperate move.  It would be like if I made the address of my blog “bigtitties.semen,” which I’m not ruling out for the future. 

But really, how much do you think they’re going to be able to sell “clownpenis.fart” for?  I bet they’ll get millions.

I’d like to invite you all to send in your own clever domain names, and if there’s one that strikes my fancy, it may just become my new blog web address.

Gay Hip-Hop: New Phenomenon or Old Hat?

Last month, a book about secretly gay rappers came out.  Terrance Dean’s book “Hiding In Hip-Hop: On The Down Low In The Entertainment Industry- From Music To Hollywood” allegedly sent shockwaves through the hip-hop community, as it heavily insinuated that many beloved rappers and actors are secretly gay.  From what I can gleam from the excerpts I’ve read, it seems pretty clear that Will Smith and Cuba Gooding Jr. are being described.  Possibly 50 Cent.

What I don’t get is why people are surprised.  Mainstream Hip Hop has had a gay undercurrent for a long time.  You need look no further than this picture, if you need evidence.

Recognize that guy in red?  It’s none other than ace producer Dr. Dre.  This single “Rapped in Romance” came out in 1986, which coincidently was the year that N.W.A. got together.  Also, coincidently, The Cru put out another single that year called “Mission Possible,” the cover of which featured a familiar picture.

Two years after these two singles came out, Straight Outta Compton came out.

First of all, there is nothing gayer than this picture.  No thug from the streets of Compton would ever be caught dead in those shiny clothes.  Add to that how Ice Cube went on to star in such hardcore films as “Are We There Yet?” and “Are We Done Yet?,” and you start to get a bizarre picture of the authenticity of classic hip-hop.

Dre wasn’t the only N.W.A. member in the World Class Wreckin’ Cru.  DJ Yella was also in the soulful crooning group.  I would come down on him, but he now directs hardcore porn and is the creator of such classic series as “West Side Stories” and “Str8 Outta Compton.”  He may or may not have been a poser back in ’88, but I have to give a man who directs porn a pass.