In Which Dan Friesen Does His Part To End Strife In Our Times

Ladies and gentlemen, there are certain questions in life that everyone asks, but no one seems to have all the answers to.  These questions are often contentious ones, and discussion of such questions invariably leads to flying fists and ruptured relations.  One such question came up at last week’s As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show (Tuesday nights at Eastside Tavern, 9:30ish), and, try as I might have to stop the bedlam, I could do nothing.  Now, in the safety of my own home, as someone who genuinely knows the answer to the question, I feel behooved to settle this once and for all.

I’m referring, of course, to the question of “what the fuck was going on with the old McDonalds advertising?”

Now, I accept that this is a big question, so I will break it down into smaller questions that will combine to tell you all you need to know about McDonaldland and its many happy inhabitants.

An Examination of Good and Bad Choices

Children, I’ve frequently accused myself of making very, very bad decisions.  Last week, I drunkenly picked only players from the St. Louis Rams and the Detroit Lions for my fantasy football team.  On the same night, I accidentally picked both team’s backup quarterbacks, being as I had no idea what either team’s depth chart looked like.  To do this, I had to get rid of Drew Brees and Payton Manning, both of whom I had locked in at a very reasonable price.  All in all, this was a night of really bad choices.

The truth about life is that it’s so easy and masochistically gratifying to dwell on my gaffs that I never really take the time to sit back and bask in the good decisions I have made in my life.  I think it’s time to do just that, right now.  As Puff Daddy might say, “come with me” on a journey (cue guitar lick).

Friesen Point Lives, or Perhaps More Aptly Put “Refuses To Die”

Ladies and gentlemen, I know that Friesen Point has been dead for a while, but I am here to tell you that it is back, and in a big way.  There are going to be a few minor differences which I will lay out here, mostly matters involving organization:

1) There won’t be any more Top Five Lists.  These have been pretty much carried over onto my podcast, The Symposium, soon to be available on iTunes, but now available for direct download.

2) The entirely truthful transcripts from the lives of Barry Sonnenfeld and Will Smith have gotten too big for their britches, and will now be posted at a blog all their own entitled The Entirely True Life of Will Smith and Barry Sonnenfeld.  I’m currently putting up the original transcripts, one every few days, and once I work through the back catalog, there should be about one new one per week.

3) Friesen Point will now be for pretty much everything else.  Pop culture criticism, bullshit essays, overly drawn-out arguments about mid-90’s sci-fi TV shows in the comment section; it’ll all be here.

I realize that at this point it’s probably pretty hard to believe me when I say things are getting back on track, but the difference between all the other times I said that and this time is that this time I mean it.  It’s back on, people.  To quote 8-Ball and MJG, “It’s time to ride.”  Also to quote 8-Ball and MJG, “9 times out of ten the bitches bad news, hit the dick and actin’ like motherfuckin’ fools.”  That may have nothing to do with the matter at hand, but I like 8-Ball and MJG.  If you don’t like that, I’d like to ask you this: have you been featured on a Rappin’ 4-Tay track?  No?  Guess who has…that’s right: 8-Ball and MJG.  Remember your station.

We Finally Have An Amish Celebrity!

Ladies and gentlemen, there may be nothing that bothers me more than when someone new in my life learns that I have roots in the Mennonite church, and then they invariably ask “so you’re Amish?”  It’s not that I have some sort of pride about my heritage, it’s just annoying.  It’s tantamount to the frequent question I get, “how long did it take you to grow that beard?”  It’s lame, people.

Seriously, if I have one piece of advice to give everyone in the world, it is this: never be the person who asks the first question that comes to your mind.  You have to know that whatever comes to your mind first is going to be, at least 99% of the time, the first thing that comes to everybody’s mind.  And really, how is it going to affect your life to know how long it took me to grow this beard?  Live your life, friend.  Grow your own beard and see how long it takes you.

But I’m getting off course here.  I was talking about being Mennonite.

I’ve always felt that the source of that shitty question I always get is that there really aren’t any Mennonite or Amish celebrities which people could use to differentiate between the two cultures, the two faiths.  Thankfully, Verne Troyer, of Surreal Life fame, has recently revealed that he grew up Amish!

Unfortunately, there still isn’t any Mennonite celebrity, so I’ll just use myself as the representative for the Mennos.  Here I present to you a side by side comparison of myself and Verne Troyer, may now the difference between the Amish and the Mennonites be clear.

It’s Time To Face Reality

Now, a lot of you people out there like to talk about how stupid, and creepy, and out of touch, and “aspergers-esque” Glenn Beck is.  And I would have been right there with you, up until about ten minutes ago.

There’s no denying that Beck has a history of severe drug addiction (as he’s talked about it on multiple occasions), and an argument can be made that, now that he’s sober and doesn’t have drugs to excite him, he’s had to find something like sensationalism and fear-mongering to fill in that gap.  Some might say that he “gets high” on making people think that their lives are in serious, immediate danger and that only he himself has access to the truth that just might save the lives of their family.  Some might say that he is about as useful and as informative as a piss-drunk three-time loser who spends their entire life hurting everyone around them only to one day realize what they’ve done and cry crocodile tears, and that the only real difference between the two is that when the drunk cries, no one puts it on TV.  I am not one such person.

And here’s why: Glenn Beck is the only real, big, loud voice still screaming about the swine flu, or as people who want you to take the flu seriously call it, “the H1N1 virus.”  So many of you like to compare Beck’s tenacity and unwillingness to let go of a story to Nancy Grace’s still continuing coverage of the long-since-called-off hunt for Natalie Holloway; and you people are assholes.  Whereas Grace is just exploiting mild racism and parental impulses to create ratings, Glenn Beck is a hero who recognized that this was a story that had legs, regardless of what detractors, public response, or facts say about it.

Everyone knows that the way to tell if a disease is a serious threat or not is to ask yourself, “have any celebrities come down with this thing?”  If not, it’s clearly not that big a problem.  If so, you may have to take this outbreak a little more seriously than you have been.

Up until a couple days ago, no celebrities had really come down with the H1N1 virus.  There was talk about Ron Weasley catching a case, but that story never really developed.  Then, about a week ago, LA Galaxy Forward Landon Donovan contracted the dreaded plague.  And then, mere hours ago, it was revealed that Alvaro Uribe, the President of Colombia has a confirmed case of swine-pox.

Listen up, ladies and gentlemen: your lives are in serious danger, and the only person who is preaching the truth is Glenn Beck himself.  All you “always say quit” liberals need to get over your issues and hear the truth: swine flu is serious business.

If swine flu wasn’t the real deal, would the president of a country that’s less than 1/6^th the size of the US of A and an athlete who plays a sport that’s slightly less respected than The Real World/Road Rules Challenge (which is technically a sport, jerk) have caught it?  I think not.

It’s time to grow up and get your shit together.  Get out there, buy a gas mask and some duct tape, never talk to anyone face-to-face again (especially South American heads of state), and of course don’t forget to watch Glenn Beck, weeknights on FOX.  If you want to really assure your protection from the Swine Scourge, be sure to listen to Glenn Beck’s radio show as well.  It’s just too bad Senor Uribe wasn’t a fan of truthful conservative talk; it might have saved him from having to get a slightly painful shot or take a moderately sized pill.

Bad Man, Worse Outfit

In an interview with Larry King, our old friend and gum connoisseur Chris Brown did some spectacular PR work, working hard to repair his image after being sentenced to “clean stuff” as punishment for beating Rihanna.  It’s good to know that society works like a bad sitcom pitch; you commit a felony, you get to become the public’s maid.

Oh, and it bears mentioning that this is what he was wearing on the show:

Jesus; he looks like the gayest member of the Nation of Islam.  Wait, wait…I’m getting off track here.  Let’s refocus.

Chris Breezy had this to say:

“When I look at it now, it’s just like, wow, like, I can’t believe that that actually happened.”

I’m not entirely sure what the context of this quote is, but I can only assume that Chris is talking about allowing some Smurf version of Tucker Carlson to dress him for a national television talk show appearance.  Get it together Brown!

I Officially Have A Podcast

Hello, my dear friends and loyal Friesen Pointers.  I come to you today with good news, which may not be news to some of you.  I have officially launched my new podcast, The Worst of Both Worlds.

The show is conceived as a fun comedic conversation between myself, my co-host Ryan Beck, and a different guest each week.  It’ll also serve as the new home for my ever-popular Top Five (now Top Six) Lists, which it turns out are more fun when discussed.

We’re still working out the schedule of production here, so we may end up posting two episodes in a week, then nothing for two.  Or maybe we’ll get our shit together and do it how we’re supposed to and put out exactly one a week.  To paraphrase Enya, only time will tell.

Be that as it may, the website where you can find the podcast is http://www.friesenpoint.libsyn.com.  So far, we have three episodes up, which are as follows:

Episode 1: Ryan Beck, my roommates Swearngin and Fox, and I chat it up and discuss the Top Five Real World/Road Rules Challenge Cast Members.

Episode 2: Nick Gifts, Fox, and I get together to talk about knives.  The list in this episode was deemed not worth posting, so was edited out.

Episode 3: I was lucky enough to corral two of the premiere comedians in Columbia, Kyle Ayers and Brian Sturgill into my studio, where we basically just discuss food the whole show.  Included is the Top Six Subway Sandwiches List.

I hope that at least some of you will check some of these out, and if you like it, please help spread the word.  I’ve really appreciated all the support you’ve all given me over the last few years, and I hope we can take this next step together, or something else that sounds equally queer.

Thanks again, and happy listening.

I’m In A Sitcom!

As I mentioned earlier, I am fortunate enough to be involved in a sitcom project taking place here in Columbia, and the trailer for the first episode is now available on the Youtube.  It stars Caplee Spiller, Jason Rosenbaum, and myself (no weak links in that lineup), it is written and produced by Robert Rasmussen, and filmed and edited by Mark Nanneman.  It was a real kick filming this, and I assure you that if you don’t find the finished product funny, that’s an indication that you don’t know what funny is.

Without further ado, here is the trailer:

Apologies and Projects Update

Hello there, children.  I know that I’ve been quite derelict in my blogging duties for some time now., and I have some solid excuses for you, four of which are true.  That’s right, one’s a lie.

1) I just finished up my college career, and making that final push took up a lot of my time.

2) I just moved, and for someone as lazy as me, that takes about a month or two of planning and gradual packing.  Plus, now that I’ve moved in, I don’t have internet access yet.  I’m actually writing this from my work place.

3) So much of my creative energy has been focused into the As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show, as well as a couple other projects I’ve been working on.  My friends Robert Rasmussen, Mark Nannaman, and Caplee Spiller are very motivated filmmakers here in town, and I’ve been fortunate enough to be involved in a number of video work they’ve been doing lately.  Once any of the finished products are online, you’ll see some quality stuff.  Finally, I’m putting together a podcast that, ideally, we’re going to start recording this week.  As it stands, the podcast will be called The Worst Of Both Worlds, and feature myself and my comedian friend Ryan Beck as the hosts with a rotating set of guests from Columbia’s burgeoning comedy and arts scene, as well as some frequent visits from my former roommate Nicky Gifts.  As soon as it comes together, you’ll be the first to know.

4) I was recently attacked by a bear, and though I survived, the bear ate my sense of humor and my right arm.

5) My dear friend Jason Rosenbaum has started a blog dedicated to karaoke, which just so happens to be a subject I know a lot about.  Not surprisingly, he’s asked me to be a contributor to the blog, and I’ve posted the first installment of my instructional series “How To Karaoke.”  The blog has been pretty good so far, so if you have any interest in music, karaoke, or jokes, I recommend you check it out.

Alright, that’s all for now.  I promise to get back to a more regular schedule in terms of my writing.  Much like the South, Friesen Point will rise again!

A Series Of Highly Unlikely Events

(The following post in no way intends to make fun of people who have died in tragic, but slightly comical situations.  I have nothing but sympathy for the such people, and their families, who must have to hear a lot of tasteless jokes made by far less funny and less classy people than me.)

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you today a very confused man.  You see, about two weeks back, I began work on one of my world-famous Top Five Lists.  I understand that a lot of you are unfamiliar with my writing process, so it may be worthwhile to give you, my dear readers, a little glimpse behind the curtain into my creative world.

The work-flow goes something like this:

Day 1: Settle on topic for list.

Day 2-8: Really let the topic marinate in the ol’ bean.  Its never a good idea to go into one of these lists half-cocked.  There are definitive and irrefutable lists, after all, and it’s important that I put the requisite amount of effort into them.

Day 9-14: Write one list entry per day, spending a great deal of time fully articulating exactly why this thing deserves its spot on the Top Five.

As you can see, it’s a very involved process.  Anyone who knows Dan Friesen will tell you that he’s a man who has never cut a corner in his life.  His life motto is “no shortcut, no problem.”

I was on Day 11 of making my newest list, The Top Five Ways To Die, when the unthinkable happened.

Before I get into this, I should just say upfront that I knew going in that this was going to be a dark list, possibly my darkest list to date.  I didn’t see this as a problem, being as I am known in many circles as “Dan, The King of Postmodern Dark Humor,” a title I earned after penning the following joke: “Q: What did one gay zombie say to another zombie who he knew was also gay because he saw a red handkerchief hanging from his back pocket? A: Hey, you want to suck my dick, you gay zombie?”  As you can clearly see, I’ve got what it takes to handle this touchy subject matter with grace and tact.

Anyway, I was in the middle of writing this list.  I hade made it to #3: “Drowning In A Vat Of Chocolate,” when what should I stumble upon on CNN.com?  Try this headline on for size: US Worker Dies In Chocolate Vat.

Consider me spooked.  This was quite a coincidence, but a coincidence nonetheless.  At least that’s what I told myself at the time.

It took a couple of stiff bourbon and cokes to get my head back together, but once I did, I got right back to work on my list.

The next day, I tackled #2: “Driving A Car Off The Edge Of The Grand Canyon,” and wouldn’t you know it, some guy drove his fucking car off the Grand Fucking Canyon that day!

The word “spooked” doesn’t begin to describe how I felt reading that story.  I have long known that I have the ability to create laughter with my words, but I had no idea that the Grim Reaper was such a huge fan of my Top Five Lists that he was out to provide me with fresh examples of each admittedly bizarre and unlikely entry for this list.  While I appreciated his readership and initiative, holding the power of life and death in my hands is a lot of pressure.  I mean, there’s no doubt that these were a couple of kick-ass deaths, but I hate to think that any responsibility for these passings rests with me.  Mostly because I don’t want any blood on my hands; I washed my hands twice already this week, I’m not up for going for the hat trick.

As such, I’ve decided to bequeath my “Postmodern Dark Humor” Crown.  Too much blood has been shed so that I might make a few death jokes.  From the point forth, I’m going to keep it clean.  In fact, I’m so committed to this goal that I’m not even going to tell you what #1 was.  I will say that #5 was “Bleeding Out After Getting Your Dick Bit Off By A Hot Vampire Chick.”

See what you can do with that, Grim Reaper.