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Archive for March, 2007

Female Engineering Students = Sluts; or, What May Be My Last Maneater Column Ever

Posted in Crushed Red Pepper, Cunnilingus, Maneater Column, Surgeon General Warnings on March 21, 2007 | 1 Comment »

This is the unedited version of my column for this week.  I was unsatisfied with what the editors ended up printing, and thus, I print it here.
To put it in context: Last week, the editors flatly refused to print my column about going to rehab.  They said it was entirely fictional, and that it had [...]

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The Wheels on the Bus; or, Dan Discovers Exactly What Love is in the Most Unlikely of Places

Posted in Cheap Beer, Cough Syrup, Hyperbole, Magnetism on March 21, 2007 | Leave a Comment »

So, ever since my goddamn apartment complex stopped offering a shuttle service to campus, I’ve been forced to ride the city bus. That’s right, the city bus. Glorious, modern public transportation.
I’ll tell you, there is nothing as depressing, off-putting, and pungent in Columbia than the public transportation system. It gets me down from time to [...]

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Dan Goes to Rehab; or, Bandicoots Are The Backbone of This Country, and Without Them, Everyone Would Starve

Posted in Cold Soup, Intolerance, Maneater Column, Those Calvin Bumperstickers on March 12, 2007 | 1 Comment »

Whenever Christians visualize the eternal home for sinners, they tend to picture a place where the damned are separated from everything they love, namely sinning, and thrust into an existence of pure torture. They fight and scream for freedom, but their blood-curdling cries of agony fall on deaf ears.
Fortunately, there is no such place, in [...]

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My Response Column; or, Dan is a Horrible Alcoholic, and is Not Responsible for His Actions

Posted in Activism, Cunnilingus, Maneater Column, Superhuman Abilities on March 8, 2007 | 1 Comment »

 This is the column that ran in the Maneater, responding to the uproar on campus over my last column.  Please refer to “Dan Friesen doesn’t need farmers because he can digest tree bark; or, The next agricultural revolution cometh,” posted below.
  “Wow! Did I have a rude awakening this week, or what? For the [...]

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Oodles and Oodles of Hate Mail; or, Dan is a total fag

Posted in Crushed Red Pepper, Intolerance, Jews, Those Calvin Bumperstickers on March 8, 2007 | 3 Comments »

Now, I will assume you have all read the column that appears below.  A basic knowledge of it must be had when reading these responses, these pieces of hate-mail.  In my Mizzou email, I have, at time of this post, received 120 emails.  On Facebook, I have received 46 messages, and two groups have been [...]

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Dan Friesen Doesn’t Need Farmers Because He Can Digest Tree Bark; or, The Next Agricultural Revolution Cometh

Posted in Cold Soup, Maneater Column, Nanotechnology, Superhuman Abilities, Surgeon General Warnings on March 8, 2007 | 1 Comment »

Alright, sorry it’s been so long since I’ve posted. I’ve been in a battle with the “farm people” of the world, the outcome of which may very well decide the fate of the world. I was going to write a thickly allegorical story about a dystopian future where a cruel ground pig named Xalerus had [...]

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