In Which Dan Friesen Takes His First Step Into the Song Writing Business; or, I Am Always More Than Willing to “Go Down”

I wrote this song for a friend of mine who doesn’t like to go down on the ladies. I missed him a great deal while I was on my recent road trip, and I consider this song to be my homage. It should be sung to the tune of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Makes the Most of The First “Hypothetical Wednesday;” or, The Prosthetical Hypothetical

I decided to kick off this weekly series with a bang by posting a second hypothetical. Don’t expect this every week.
Let us assume that you are a graduate student in Philosophy. It is your final semester before graduation, and you’re passing all your classes except one: a Metaphysics course. Due to your [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Introduces a New Bit; or, The Computer Virus Hypothetical

Alright, I decided that it’s high time for me to start a regular weekly feature. So here it is: Hypothetical Wednesdays. I realize that tons of people have written hypothetical situations, and the format is nothing new. But a lot of people write erotica. A lot of people write prose. [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Finishes His Road Trip; or, I’m Not Clever Enough to Write a Genuine Travelogue

I had intended to serialize my traveling experience into periodic travelogues. I envisioned writing at least one blog entry per city we stopped in, to keep my friends not on the trip abreast of the chicanery going on without them.
After the first few days, I realized that there were a few setbacks to this [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Is The Number One Columnist at the Number One Journalism School in the Country That Just So Happens To Have the Number One Football Team in the Country

I can’t believe our football team just beat Kansas. It’s even harder to believe the Tigers are the No. 1 team in the country.
It’s important for me to make a few things clear from the beginning. First, I have as little school spirit as anyone you’ll ever meet. This stems mostly from having grown up [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Embarks on a Sizable Road Trip; or, Shitty Kansas

It’s been too long since I’ve seen my friends. We used to have a house where we would all hang out, sharing good times and bad ideas. The life was good, and I guess I thought it would never end. I just assumed we would all just move into some commune together [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Has Had Enough of No-Shave November; or, Assholes Shave in April

I’ve been seeing a lot more facial hair around campus in recent days, which can only mean one thing: the tards are celebrating No-Shave November again.
I hate this goddamn No-Shave November. Everyone thinks it is right up my alley, since I have a beard, an assertion I find a little insulting. I think [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen RePublishes an Old Maneater Column; or, I Gotta Pad My Monthly Post Count

I apologize for reprinting this. I just love this column, and the two year anniversary of my writing it is coming up. So, for those who have never read it, enjoy. To the rest of you, suck it.
Dear Penis,
I remember when we first met. I wasn’t so impressed by you. Forgive me [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen Attempts to Cash In On The Writer’s Strike; or, I Apologize For These Ideas Being a Little Busey-Heavy

I’ve been reading a lot about the Writer’s Guild strike, and from where I’m sitting, it looks like this baby could last a while. Every article I read says that we should expect to see more unscripted material, such as game shows and reality shows, in the coming weeks. You know what that [...]

Read Full Post »

In Which Dan Friesen “Goes Back To His Roots;” or, I Finally Understand T-Pain

Children, your intrepid columnist made a long overdue pilgrimage this weekend. Though I am admittedly a devotee and theorist of all things pornographic, until this week I had not been to a titty bar since my eighteenth birthday. The thrill of legal nudity was quite alluring, but it turned out reality didn’t quite match my [...]

Read Full Post »