I’m just a writer of simple essays; I’m not a real political guy. I read CNN, but mostly just do so to find ever more evidence that the world and all its woes are more comedy than tragedy. That said, during the Super Bowl, I was inspired to take in active role in the political process this election cycle.
I am neither a democrat nor a republican, but if I had to choose a side, I’d probably go democrat, mostly because Mitt Romney freaks me out. That clip of him complimenting a black child on his “bling-bling” alone kept me up the last three nights.
I’m glad to see that the two front-runners on the democratic side are members of minority groups whose members have never held the presidency. You see, I’m all for progress.
However, I have not really been too excited about Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama. At least that is until I watched the Super Bowl, more to the point, I watched Obama’s commercials during the Super Bowl.
I’ve watched bits and pieces of the debates and I’ve been aware of Obama for a while now, but it wasn’t until I saw those commercials that I realized his potential secret weapon in this election: his voice sounds remarkably similar to that of nine-time world champion The Rock.
Now, I’m no Karl Rove; I’m not a politically savvy genius, but I still think I have some ideas I would welcome Obama to use on the campaign trail. All I ask is that when he becomes president (which is guaranteed if he follows my advice), I be awarded some ambassadorship to some tropical nation.
How Barack Obama Can Guarantee A Win This November
(1) At every campaign stop, before starting his speech, Obama should stop, stare off into the sky and milk some applause. When he feels that the crowd is sufficiently “into it” he should very deliberately say, “Finally, Barack has come back to (fill in whatever city he happens to be in).” There is no way the crowd wouldn’t then go completely nuts.
(2) His new shirt and button campaign should heavily feature his new campaign slogan: “Can you smell what Barack is cooking?” Further, he should commission a campaign anthem of the same name to be sung by Method Man.
(3) Whenever anybody tells him that he is down in the polls, he should respond thusly: “You know what you can do with those polls? I’ll tell you what you can do with them. You can shine them up real nice, turn them sideways, and shove them straight up your candy ass!” President Bush has gotten a lot of mileage by disrespecting polls (and thereby disrespecting those who are polled- the voters), and Obama should try to cash in on this self-loathing tendency in the body of voters.
(4) Anytime anyone disagrees with him about policy, foreign or domestic, before he explains why that person is wrong, he should start with this preamble: “Know your role, shut your mouth, and let Barack educate your monkey ass.” This will, without a doubt, get their attention.
(5) If ever given the chance to pose a question directly to whomever he is running against, he should ask the question (“what do you think of the state of affairs in Libya?” for example), wait until the second word of their response, then interrupting them, scream “It doesn’t matter (what you think about the state of affairs in Libya,” in our example). This asserts his superior grasp of the issues and broadcasts his aloofness.
I know there are a lot of you out there that think some of these ideas are childish, but I believe that the millions (and millions!) of Barack’s fans would beg to differ. Barack, seriously, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I’ve got ideas, man. Give me a call when you’re ready to get serious.
(Note: it has come to my attention that I am not the first person to realize that “Barack” sounds a lot like “the Rock.” What a surprise. I wrote this without having seen any similar jokes, and I found it funny enough to post, risking being called unoriginal. God bless.)
