I am known as somewhat of an expert on many topics. I’ve been called a renaissance man on more than one occasion. I’m considered an expert on the subject of recently deceased pornstars. I am very knowledgeable in the field of Comparative Fast Food Sauces. I’m the foremost scholar in the tri-state area when it comes to CT and Real World/Road Rules Challenge history.
Yet, the true area of my expertise is in all things related to beards. I’ve grown all manner of beards, from slim, Everlast beards to haggard, outdoorsman beards. One of the greatest struggles in my life is coming to terms with the fact that the rest of the world doesn’t share my vast knowledge in the realm of beardsmanship, and because of that, far too many people grow shitty beards and far too many people don’t know any better than to encourage them.
My therapist once told me that living a good life consisted of just making “the next right decision.” Life is just a series of choices, and right now, I am making the choice to do my part to improve facial hair relations in this country. If my writings, my words can make one guy with a shitty beard pick up those clippers, I can consider myself a success. If I can get one person to mock a guy with a shitty beard, instead of just giving him a thoughtless, stereotypical “nice beard, dude,” I am a success.
Now, there’s a lot of ground to cover, so let’s dig in. The type of beard that’s nearest and dearest to my heart, as it’s the style I tend to sport, is the overgrown, “I don’t really know how to use clippers”beard.
The primary schism in the bearded community is the free growing vs. manicured debate, which comes heavily into play in the overgrown style beards. Some people say it’s queer to ever cut your facial hair, while others say that trimming your facial hair is like washing your clothes, it’s a cleanliness and fashion issue. It is not my business to get in the middle of this great debate, as I happen to see the point of both factions. A beard can suffer from being too sloppy just as easily as it can from being too styled. What is important is you love and care for your beard.
One thing it’s important to remember is that variations can be major. I love a good cheesecake, but man, can cheesecake go south if it’s done wrong. The same is true of beards. I think the best way to sort through this difficult, and at times subjective, stuff is to learn through examples.
Bad Overgrown Beard: Andre the Giant Tool
This picture reminds us of something all too often overlooked when it comes to beard growth: you need to take into account your head shape and hairstyle when you are planning your beard. Some might try to say that this wild mess of facial hair could not be the product of planning, but that is not so. Every beard is part of a plan, if only because the option to trim or shave off the beard is there every day, and no matter how much someone loves their beard, the thought of shaving or trimming runs through their head fairly regularly.
That being said, Andre clearly chose an unfortunate beard. His head is far too pointy and oval-ish for such a long, out of control arrangement. The biggest problem with this particular beard, as I see it, is the bottom. It’s just too long, whereas the sides are relatively short. If I were him, I would take about an inch and a half off the bottom, and smooth out the sides for good measure.
Another problem, of course, is that moustache. It tends to be bad news when your moustache curls over your lip. It certainly makes eating more difficult. I would recommend he trim that up around the lip line.
Good Overgrown Beard: Generic Politically Active Hip Dude
Alright, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t like GPAHD’s glasses, nor do I like how I imagine he lives. Still, I cannot deny that that is a pretty damn good beard. It’s clear that he doesn’t trim regularly, being as there is no consistent line. Yet, his beard succeeds where Andre’s failed in that GPAHD’s beard is short on split ends and stray hairs. There’s an overall roundness to this beard that really is the mark of quality.
Another thing important to point out about this beard is how you can faintly see the jaw line through the hair. This is an impressive touch, and lends the beard a multi-layered appearance that really makes it something better than ordinary.
One more thing of note is how gracefully GPAHD’s beard deals with the eternal problem that is the cheek line. Andre decided not to even try to make his cheeks respectable, but GPAHD has a nice line, the line where skin becomes hair.
I hope this illustration has been illuminating, and you’ve learned something from Andre’s failures and GPAHD’s victories.
Quite illuminating Dr. Friesen. I’m interested to learn more, particularly in regards to body types and the beards that benefit them. For those large, full, frieseny beards, it seems that you would need a fuller build. there’s a dude on beauty and the geek who’s rail thin but has an enormous, full, and good beard, but he looks a bit ridiculous. then there’s this fat, cowboy looking guy who has a patchy, light, pseudo-santos beard, but he seems much more conducive to the beard look. on a personal note, i’ve given up on ever having beard. perhaps later in life i’ll be able to grow the mane i want, but for now, it’s just too damn sad. i’ve made the comparison several times how girls with straight hair really envy girls with curly hair and vice-versa, but every man who can’t grow facial hair wishes he could, and obviously the bebearded are happy in their choice. so for me, tyler, and nick who can’t grow anything, we hate you.
And learn more you shall. I agree with you that big beards are more suited for persons with bigger builds, but it can be done by smaller folk. The thing to remember here is also that some people are going to look weird no matter what they do, and perhaps this guy from Beauty & the Geek would be a mess with or without the beard and we’re just focusing on it because it sticks out. I find that the scraggly, Santos beard (essentially a variation of the stubble look) looks better on small to medium guys. On bigger people, it makes them look lazy and sloppy. It’s like how people give fat people dirty looks when they buy candy, but wouldn’t give a skinny person the same look if they did the same thing. Scraggly beards are the candy of the facial hair world.
I’ve never gotten that look when I’ve purchased candy. I think I’m outside of the traditional
“fat guy buying candy” persona. nice connection though.
I wasn’t trying to make a dig on you with the fat guy buying candy business, though I would be lying if I said I wasn’t really curious what you mean when you say that you are “outside the traditional ‘fat guy buying candy’ persona.” I’ve been milling those words over in my head, and here’s what I’ve decided this could possibly mean:
1) you have a little indian boy who you send out on candy runs, or
2) you buy candy online, in bulk.
i was thinking more along the lines that my confident poise, friendly banter, and face that launched a thousand ships cause the walgreens clerks to give me a fair treatment. and you know me, you think i can wait for candy to be shipped? no sir.
I envisioned staggered deliveries. You know, like how Forum 8 never ran out of popcorn tubs because the Regal truck came every Tuesday. I guess Forum ran out of stuff a lot, but you get the point.
i had to completely resist the temptation to ransack walgreens the day after easter for their 50% off candy. that was truly difficult.
You are the only person I’ve ever met who is excited to see a bag of circus peanuts. I didn’t intend for this to take this direction, but now that we’re here, we might as well run with it. What’s your easter-time candy of choice? Are you a Cabury Creme Egg man or a Peeps man?
ahh, finally a subject i can expound wisdom on. as you know your beards, i know my easter candy. the cadbury creme egg is spectacular, but i haven’t had one this year, they are far too sweet and will make you feel ill after eating one. they’ve made their eggs smaller than since when we were children, and i can’t hate on that too much. plain peeps are fine, i’ll eat them, but won’t buy them. peeps has flavored marshmallow objects now, the cocoa bunnies and vanilla stars are actually quite tasty. the reese’s egg is always a treat, though i can’t abide by the “fudge” variation. usually i’ll go for the russell stovers eggs over reeses eggs just for sheer variety, caramel marshmallow, dark chocolate with maple cream. this year, the big hit for me were the nerds jellybeans, they’re bumpy and have a crunchy outer shell that taste just like nerds and have a wonderfully chewy interior. the flavor was amazing and i had a hard time not eating my whole bag in one sitting. i also enjoyed my bag of salt water taffy flavored like jelly beans. they were orange, grape, cherry, and lime, and fantastic. none of those bogus taffy flavors you usually get in a standard bag, and for that matter, none of those bogus flavors you get in a bag of jelly beans either (buttered popcorn, go fuck yourself). my least favorite easter candy would be those marshmallow eggs that are like large, flavorless jellybeans with a thick, sugary interior and a candy coating. those were always the last ones i ate in my easter basket.
I couldn’t agree more about the Cadbury eggs. David loves them, so there are always a few around the house, tempting me with their excessive richness and decadence. There are actually caramel, chocolate, and orange cadbury eggs now too, but they’re about the same really. No maple though. Maple’s a very underrated flavor in my book.
I’m going to have to keep my eyes open for the nerds jelly beans, they sound interesting. More interesting, however, is what you touched on about salt water taffy. I love salt water taffy, but some of those flavors are fucking disgusting, and I have no idea what they even are. I don’t know what those fucking taffy people are thinking.
maple is underrated, no question there. the salt water taffy problem is that it’s considered an old-timey candy, and caters to the flavors of old timers, therefore we get atrocities like horehound and licorice. it’s a shame swt is pigeon-holed alongside root beer barrels, lemon drops, and jujubees as geriatrics only. i know they make hip taffy in the form of laffy taffy, but even with jokes on the wrapper, the flavor, and more importantly, the texture, is inferior to the classic. all this talk has really made me want to visit one of those seaside towns where they pretend everything is just like it was in the 20’s, so i can visit one of those taffy shops where they have 300 flavors in big barrels. road trip dan? the quest for the perfect salt water taffy? i’m totally serious on this.
i don’t exactly know how to put this so I will just go ahead and state it bluntly: I can’t eat candy anymore, it’s too sweet.
and Ben, the idea you broached to Dan about a road trip to find the perfect salt water taffy reminded me about the idea we had years ago for a food network show about us trying to find a good pizza, “Ben and Matt Split a Pie.” I think that this could be expanded to us trying to find a new type of food each week (candy, breakfast burritos, brownies, etc.) It could be “Ben and Matt Go Halvsies” or something like that, or Dan could even be in it too. What would seperate the show from others is that half or more of it would be scripted, kind of like a sitcom, and then the rest would be us actually going to various eateries. There would be running plots and stuff. I think that would be a good show.
i understand the lack of candy eating. i can only eat it on rare occasions, if i have too much, it hurts my teeth. i ate a lot over easter just because i’m a sucker for limited editions. it’s probably a smart idea not to eat much candy when you aren’t going to the dentist anymore. i still think about ben and matt split a pie. i think our concept could be choosing a regional specialty, then going around the vicinty to judge a winner. we could go around the south finding the best pecan pie, chicago for deep dish pizza, mexico for tortas, and a cross country trip for hot dogs. perhaps when everyone gets together for the float trip, we could do the chicago pizza installment.
I would love to be in on that show, but I fear that my contribution would be limited to declaring that everything we tried was shit. As you both know, I don’t like food. But, I think a constantly dissenting opinion could be good for ratings.
Also, the first stop on our taffy quest should probably be Arrow Rock. It will coincidently also be our last stop, as we’ll all get malaria.