What The Fuck Dan? or, Hot Shirtless Dudes Who Sit Around Cacti Give Really Good Advice

I recently read Spencer Pratt’s new advice column “Yo, Spencer,” and I was absolutely inspired. When he was asked about spending a weekend with your girlfriend’s mom for the first time, he gave the advice to “treat her daughter like a princess-it’s only for a weekend.”  Who says chivalry is dead?  Still, I wasn’t entirely sold on him until I read the last line: “I flipped a couple of haters at Benihana just last night.”  The sage with the velvety tongue!

I’ve always felt that I have a calling as an advise-giver, but, save for yelling at Juan Martin, I’ve never had an appropriate outlet for my pearls of wisdom.  Now, I do.

Without further ado, my new advise column “What The Fuck, Dan?”

 

What The Fuck, Dan? My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, and we love each other very much.  I recently found out that he had an affair a couple months back, and he caught genital warts.  I love him and want to give him a second chance, but I am worried about catching the warts, and about him cheating again.  What the fuck?

- D. from San Luis Obispo, CA

Dear D- Infidelity can be a very difficult issue to deal with in a relationship, but it’s one that’s becoming more and more common these days.  It’s important that the two of you have an understanding of how each other feel.  If he is repentant, and truly wants to make a go of it, I think you need to give him another chance.  And as far as the warts go, they’re not contagious all the time.  Plus, there’s that new vaccine you can take to guard yourself. And then, there’s always the condom route.  There are many options you can explore, and are appropriate to explore in the context of your relationship.  Good luck.

 

What The Fuck, Dan? The king of a neighboring kingdom recently kidnapped my girlfriend.  My brother and I have been trying to rescue her, but every time we defeat one of the king’s children and think we’ve found her, it turns out that she’s not there, and all we’ve succeeded in doing is freeing one of her servants. This is getting really old. What the fuck?

- M. from Newark, NJ

Dear M- I’ve heard of situations like yours, and I agree with you that it sounds frustrating. Typically, kings have seven children, so it’s usually a safe bet that each one of them will have a castle and be holding one of your beloved’s servants hostage.  By this logic, your girlfriend, and the evil king, will be in the eighth castle.  Now, I know it sounds like a lot tofight your way through eight castles to free your honey-bunny, but fear not; frequently, you can find large green tubes you can jump in that will allow youto bypass one or more of the king’s children’s castles.  Now, I know you’re asking, “If I skip a castle, what will happen to the kidnapped servant?”  Well, obviously, they’re going to die.  Who cares?  They’re servants, they’re very replaceable.

 

What The Fuck, Dan? My girlfriend and I have been together for two years now, and we love each other very much.  I recently found out that she had an affair a couple months back, and she caught genital warts.  I love her and want to give her a second chance, but I am worried about catching the warts, and about her cheating again.  What the fuck?

- Q. from Natick, MA

Dear Q- Dump the bitch.

 

I may never get a job at Radar Online, but I think it’s clear that I’m going to help tons of people.  Please, if you have a problem you need my help with, email me at friesenpoint@gmail.com, and let me heal you.