It’s been a bad week for me emotionally. I have been DEpressed. The weather’s been getting better, but I’ve basically just been cooped up in my apartment watching movies online that I didn’t even want to see when they were in theaters. The beer cans and fast food wrappers are starting to pile up, and my room’s got a little funk going on. It’s a nice bouillabaisse of B.O., barbacoa, and old socks. I’m not proud.
Anyway, I was talking to my therapist the other day, and I told him about all this, and I’ll give you two guesses what his suggestion was.
“Dan, the weather has been getting very pleasant. Many depressed individuals find outdoor activities therapeutic, and aerobic exercise has been shown to increase the effectiveness of anti-depressants,” he said to me.
“I’m not one for the out of doors, Doc. I am out of shape, I smoke a pack a day, and I have a mean ingrown toenail that hinders my ability to run.”
“Might I suggest flying a kite?”
“You know, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ve noticed that you have suggested that I fly a kite on numerous occasions recently. In some circles, ‘go fly a kite’ is an insult. Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Oh no, I didn’t mean anything by it. I just know that I really enjoy kite flying, and I thought you might get something out of my experience. I hear that Frisbee cricket is big among the youths.”
“You mean Frisbee golf?”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s it. What about Frisbee golf?”
“I don’t know. I’ve got a cross-eye, it hurts my depth perception.”
“Croquet?”
“I don’t have a yard.”
“Lawn bowling?”
“What? I think I’m just going to rewatch my Dr. Katz DVDs.”
So, with no help whatsoever from my therapist in terms of coping, I decided to do the only thing I can do to make myself feel better, compare myself favorably to celebrities.
There are rumors a-flying that Pete Wentz has knocked up Ashlee Simpson. Alright, Pete Wentz, it’s your turn. Come and get your medicine.
Ways In Which I Am Better Than Pete Wentz:
1) I do not, nor will I ever, take a backseat to Patrick Stump.
2) I am in the process of writing a screenplay not so loosely based on the Iliad in which I take over the nearby city of Danville, Missouri. I turn it into my kingdom, and build great walls around the city. One day, I go to Wentzville (which has coincidently been taken over by Pete Wentz) and steal Pete Wentz’s bride, Ashlee Simpson, and bring her back to the well-walled city of Danville to be mine. This ignites a great war between Danville and Wentzville that takes the lives of a great many citizens of both cities. Pete Wentz sends the greatest warrior in Wentzville, swift-footed Patrick Stump, to fight and siege Danville, but man-slaying Nicky Gifts defends Danville. A lot of bad stuff happens: there is a karaoke duel between Pete and me, Patrick Stump refuses to fight after being dishonored (at least he does until Nicky Gifts kills his best friend, and possibly his lover, Travis from the Gym Class Heroes), god-like Patrick Stump returns to battle and kills and despoils the body of Nicky Gifts; it’s all good stuff. The big climax comes when the Wentzvillians bring a wooden “little Hermann boy” to the gates of well-walled Danville, which I interpret as a peace offering. Little do I know that, in reality, the soldiers of Wentzville hide within.
3) I think I have better hair.
Suck on that, Pete Wentz. I’ll see you on the field of battle.
I don’t know why, but anytime you write an article that begins with your therapist telling you to fly a kite, it’s golden. very nice.