Poor Form, Mountain Dew. Poor, Poor Form

I heard a few months back that Mountain Dew was coming out with a couple of new flavors.  I was underwhelmed by this news.  I’ve always hated Mountain Dew, every since I was a young boy.  I found the flavor disgusting and way, way too syrupy and sweet.  I did have a brief love affair with Code Red, but the operative word in that sentence is “brief.”  Yet, when I went into my local gas station today and saw two of the three new flavors looking longingly at me from the cooler, I couldn’t resist their siren song.

I feel that with my recent post critiquing the new Sierra Mist Undercover, I have established myself as the premiere “limited time only” soda review blogger on the scene.  I intend to defend this position, and I’m going to start now, with a review of the new Mountain Dew flavor: Revolution.

Revolution claims to be “Dew infused with wild berry fruit flavor and ginseng.”  First of all, “infused” seems like a very grandiose verb to use here.  Second, am I the only one who has no goddamn idea what ginseng brings to the table?  I have no idea what ginseng tastes like, drinking some certainly didn’t make me feel better, so what’s it for?  Bullshit.  I think it’s like taurine in the energy drinks: everyone knows that caffeine and amphetamines make energy drinks work, taurine is retarded, ubiquitous parsley.

The thing that sets these Mountain Dew varieties apart from the Livewires and the Baja Blasts of the world is that these flavors were “created by dew drinkers.”  This begs the question: aren’t there people whose job it is to create soda flavors?  If not, how did Livewire or Code Red get created?  If so, what were these fucking people doing this time?  They just get to let the consumers do the work for them?  What a gig. 

If I were a betting man (and I am), I would bet (and I do) that the fan creation part of this equation is that some Dew-loving tard called into the Dew Corporate Office and said “durrr…y’alls should make some dew with, uh, a berry flavor.”  What I can’t imagine is Mountain Dew letting some of their big fans into the lab, giving them some white coats and some beakers, and setting them loose.  I guess I can’t imagine Mountain Dew having labs.

Regardless of how it came into being, it’s my obligation to tell you that it never should have been made.  The only thing I can compare the flavor of this shit to is liquid gummi worms.  This stuff is very bad.  I can’t say enough bad things about Mountain Dew Revolution.  I’d rather drink boiling hot smegma.  I’d rather drink NyQuil.  Actually, I kind of like NyQuil.  Bad example.

Join me tomorrow for my review of another Mountain Dew trial flavor: Supernova.  I can’t fucking wait.