Friesen’s Top Five List #5: Finishing Moves

Well, today, Nicky Gifts has really stepped up his game and threw me a meatball, right in my wheelhouse.  Today’s topic is not fundamentally racist, and it’s not something I know nothing about, for a change.

Today’s topic is something near and dear to my heart: wrestling finishing moves.  I’ve always loved pro wrestling.  I know it’s fake, I know it’s white trash, I know it’s sophomoric entertainment; I don’t care.  What is so frequently overlooked by the intellectual elite is that once you get past the excessive violence and blatant homoeroticism, the story lines that wrestling follow are for the most part based on classical archetypes.  I figure that you’re never going to get the white trashers of this country to read the Odyssey or Oedipus Rex, but you could probably get them to watch derived stories play out in the ring.  I admit that the wrestlers probably never know the classic stories that their story lines reference, but I’m still in favor of anything that sneakily gives culture to the unwashed masses.

This was probably my hardest list so far, being as I have so many thought on the subject and there are so many great moves to choose from, but I finally narrowed it down and made my top five.  Here it is, The Top Five Finishing Moves: let’s get it on.

Alright, I lied a little bit when I said that this was a top five list.  I mean, it is a top five list, but I have a couple of honorable mentions to throw in before I get to the actual list.

Honorable Mention: Sweet Chin Music (Shawn Michaels)

The Sweet Chin Music is a great move.  The move itself (the kick to the face) isn’t that great, but its name is classic, and the lead-up to the move is perfect.  It would have made the list, but really, this move is only a little more impressive than the “Big Boot To The Face.”

Honorable Mention: The Fameasser (“Mr. Ass” Billy Gunn)

I love this damn move, and it would have definitely made the list, except that I couldn’t find any video of it, and wrestling moves are too damn hard to describe.

5) The Razor’s Edge (“Razor Ramon” Scott Hall)

The toothpick-chewing original bad boy of the WCW, Scott Hall was one of my childhood heroes.  Along with “Big Sexy” Kevin Nash, he made up half of the greatest tag team since Dink and Doink, The Outsiders.  While Nash’s finishing move, The Jack-Knife Powerbomb, can’t be put on this list because it’s so basic, Scott Hall’s finisher is really a cut above.  I guess what makes The Razor’s Edge special is that the set up for it involves putting the victim in a bit of a crucifix position.  It really adds a certain gravitas to the whole thing.

4) The Worm (Scotty 2 Hotty)

I’m not incredibly proud to admit that I used to be a huge fan of 2 Cool, the great three-person team of Rikishi, Grandmaster Sexy, and Scotty 2 Hotty.  Their outfits were ridiculous, their team seemed randomly thrown together, and their dance breaks were always just a little bit too long.  Though Rikishi may have been The Rock’s cousin, there’s no denying that Scotty 2 Hotty was the standout star of 2 Cool.  He had cool spiky hair, crazy eyes, and perhaps the most theatrical finishing move I’ve ever seen.

3) Shooting Star Press (Billy Kidman)

Back when I was a young boy, grunge music was very cool.  The cool kids at school all listened to Nirvana and wore a flannel shirt tied around their waist.  They acted like disaffected heroin addicts.  Pro wrestling’s attempt to cash in on this market was Raven and his Flock, one member of which was Billy Kidman.  Though he eventually changed his look, the Kidman I knew always wore jeans and a white wifebeater.  He was a medium-sized white guy, not the type of person you would expect to take part in high flying acrobatics, something that at the time was the exclusive domain of the luchadores.  Billy Kidman was the Jackie Robinson of the top-ropes, high-risk maneuver world.  He made it all possible for the Jeff Hardys and the Rob Van Dams of the world who came after him.  God bless that man.

2) The People’s Elbow (The Rock)

Without a doubt, The Rock is the most charismatic figure in wrestling history.  The man just exuded charisma.  From the first moment he appeared with the Nation of Domination as Rocky Maivia, it was clear that this man was a star.  Not surprisingly (and very deservingly), The Rock is now enjoying great mainstream success.  But before he was Dwayne Johnson, he was The Rock, and he was the most electrifying man in sports entertainment.  Nothing got the millions (and millions) of Rock’s fans on their feet like the People’s Elbow.  He had the crowd eating out of his hand, the way he would take his time and really draw out the moment; kicking in the arm, peeling off the elbow pad, running across the ring multiple times.  It was the pinnacle of pageantry, and my young mind loved it.  I guess my old mind still does.

1) The Stone Cold Stunner (Stone Cold Steve Austin)

As if there was ever any doubt.  I would make some jokes, but really, the video says it all.