Friesen’s Top Five List #12: Muppets

I know that I watched Fraggle Rock as a kid, but I don’t really remember much of it.  I wish that I did, because it would be great if I could wax poetic about the show.  I have a theory that no one really remembers much about Fraggle Rock, outside from the name.  What people do remember quite well is the Muppets.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must confess that I came up with this list topic.  However, I followed the proper channels: I told Nicky Gifts about my idea for a topic, told him that I needed to make the list, and goddamnit, I was going to quit if he didn’t assign it.  Before I knew it, I had my next list assignment: The Top Five Muppets.  Let this be a message to all of you out there.  If you want me to write a list based on your topic of choice, tell Nicky Gifts, and he’ll either deem it worthy or “gay.”  I got to be honest, I don’t really know what Nicky Gifts’ email address is, but I’m sure you could just leave the topic in the comments section.

Alright, without further ado: The Top Five Muppets.  Let’s get it on.

Alright, I lied.  There’s going to be a little more ado.  There have been so many great Muppets over the years, and so many of them only appeared once.  I feel that it wouldn’t be right for me to include such Muppets on the list itself, but I still feel the need to give them some sort of recognition.

Honorable Mention: George the Janitor

George was a strange duck.  He claimed to have a cold, unfeeling heart, but in the end, it’s revealed that he’s in love with his mop.

Honorable Mention: The Rubberband Man

Fuck you, T.I.  You think you’re all clever, calling yourself the rubberband man; well you’re not.  The Muppets beat you to it.

Honorable Mention: The Seven-Foot Tall Talking Carrot

It’s a huge talking carrot.  No discussion is really needed here.

5) Yolanda The Dancing Cheese

It was a really close race between Yolanda and Eric The Yodeling Clam, but in the end, dancing cheese takes the cake.  Yolanda was Gonzo’s dancing partner, and was most definitely a female cheese.  Gonzo said that dancing with a male cheese would be “weird,” which belied a heavy homophobic streak that would come to characterize the later years of the Muppets.

4) Sam The Eagle

Sam the Eagle was the moral compass of the Muppet Show.  He viewed himself as the arbiter of standards and culture on the show, and was prone to fits of censorship.  Sam would frequently barge into the show to voice his disgust, and complain about people he labeled “weirdos.”  My favorite bit involving Sam the Eagle has to be the one where he would take slang literally.  Stuffy intellectual types never do understand idioms!

3) Beaker

Beaker was the frequently terrified assistant of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew at the Muppet Lab.  Though his appearances in later movies seem to indicate that he can talk in a very limited way, he is best known for his poignant and philosophically important quote “meep-meep-meep-meep.”  Beaker almost always got the shaft, and really never deserved it.  Honeydew’s experiments would always end up getting Beaker electrocuted, blown up, blinded, or set on fire.  Despite all his bad luck, I feel pretty safe declaring Beaker the cutest Muppet.  If anyone wants to really make my day, they can buy me the Beaker action figure that commemorates the time Honeydew got Beaker to test his new Vanishing Cream.

2) Dr. Teeth

The leader of the Electric Mayhem, Dr. Teeth is the musical genius of the Muppet Show.  Though there were many musical acts featured over the years on the show (The Gogolala Jubilee Jugband, Lottie Lemon and her Singing Wig, The Ragmopps), none made such a splash as the Electric Mayhem.  They were the house band, and often covered songs by famous bands of the day.  I’m particularly fond of their version of “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.”  I’m also particularly fond of how I think that Dr. Teeth bares a striking resemblance to Project Pat.

Or maybe he doesn’t.  I’m probably not the best judge; I thought Roberto Benigni and Bronson Pinchot were the same person for ten years.

1) Statler and Waldorf

As if there was ever any doubt.  I always have loved the old, crochety men sitting in the balcony complaining about how awful the show is.  I always felt that I was one of them, that I was prematurely surly, and part of something I wasn’t so fond of.  Add to that the fact that Sam the Eagle frequently hung out on the balcony with Statler and Waldorf (particularly during periods when he felt his quest to bring culture to the Muppets was doomed), and you’ve got yourself a damn good place.  I think the good that is created by the Muppets balcony more than make up for the negative ones created by the balcony of Ford’s Theater.