Well, today Nicky Gifts assigned me a list that really isn’t very fair. I’ve rolled with the punches while he’s assigned me lists about things I know nothing about. I’ve rolled with it when he’s assigned me lists that are right in my wheelhouse. And today, I’m going to roll with it as he assigns me a list that I probably shouldn’t be writing: Top Five Ice Cream Flavors.
Those of you unfamiliar with my personal life may be wondering why it’s not right for me to write this list, and those of you who do know me may still not understand. My brother, David, is the manager of a local ice cream parlor known around town for creating innovative and delicious flavors. Among the flavor creators, David is by far the best. He has a bizarre, savant-like ability to get into something very specific, then do it remarkably well. Last year, he had a part time gig at a framing shop, and it became a bit of an obsession. I’m not complaining; we were living together at the time, and within a week, all the posters in our living room were beautifully framed.
His newest, and arguably his best, skill is this ability to create ice creams. His flavors are ambitious, but very rarely miss the mark. So far, he has created a Lavender Honey (by boiling real lavender petals), a Baklava, and a Jalapeno Chocolate, among others.
I, on the other hand, have a very pedestrian understanding of ice cream. I like ice cream mostly because it’s a sweet treat. I don’t really have a refined palate. What I do have, on the other hand, is a brilliant palate for funny names. As such, for this list I will show that I know my role and forgo actually making a list of the top five ice cream flavors. Instead, I will make a list of the Top Five Humorously Named Ben and Jerry’s Flavors. Let’s get it on.
5) Chunky Monkey
A little cliché, but pretty funny all the same. Rhymes are always a little amusing, and it was a close call between Chunky Monkey and Concession Obsession, but in the end, the Monkey’s longevity earned it a place on the list.
4) Peanuts! Popcorn!
I have a hard time endorsing anything that reminds me of my arch-nemesis, Mr. Peanut, but I ask you, what’s funnier than the excessive use of exclamation points? The late great author William Maxwell once said that a writer should only use two exclamation points in their career. That guy was an asshole! I want to live in a world where writers can use two exclamation points in each sentence! What a wonderful world that would be!
3) Bananas On The Rum
The only thing I don’t like about this name is that, try as I might, I couldn’t find a picture online of a drunk banana. This was as close as I could get: a banana telling you how awesome you are. I tend to only make such exclamations when I’ve had a little too much Whaler’s. All I’m saying is, you know that banana’s fucked up.
2) Tuskegee Chunk
I thought it was a very bold decision on Ben & Jerry’s part to create an ice cream flavor that was actually an experimental cure for genital warts. It turns out that their treatment was extremely toxic, and the flavor didn’t last long on the shelves. Ben & Jerry’s big mistake, looking back on it, was claiming it was an ice cream and not putting any warning on the label about the container’s true contents.
1) Cookie Puss
As if there was ever any doubt. I guess I lied a little bit; Cookie Puss isn’t a Ben & Jerry’s flavor, but damn is that name funny. Carvel’s delicious ice cream treat is not only tastier than anything in Ben & Jerry’s catalog, but the name Cookie Puss is the best thing ever. I guess what makes Cookie Puss the best name ever is that it looks nothing like a cat, yet it’s named “puss.” ”Cookie Vag!” ”Cookie Cooze!” ”Cookie Snizz!” All of those names, not as funny. ”Puss” is just a funny word, and my names prove that it goes deeper than just the vaginal inference.
it is very comforting to read that David’s creative juices are indeed flowing and being used in such an important way as ice cream flavor invention.
I’m telling you, hand to god, that he could have a career in the ice cream world if he so chose.
i totally believe that because it seems to be a perfect fit for his sensibilities: specialized, slightly technical, requiring precision and inventiveness, a sort of classier version of a typically lowbrow form.
drawing cartoons, making icecream, rolling J’s; they all fit the criteria.
dan, i’ve unveiled the essence of your brother.