All you loyal Friesen Pointers out there know that I am not a man who is prone to exaggeration. So it should mean something when I come to you today with some terrifying news, news that has the potential to change the world. A couple days ago, I blew the lid off of “Iranian Semen-Gate ’08,” a story that is almost certainly going to be all over the papers the next few months. At the time, I thought I was making a simple bull semen joke, but I’m afraid that I may have set off a powder keg here.
Yesterday, the Iranians launched some test missiles, and they claim to be on the edge in terms of attacking Israeli and US interests. I couldn’t figure out why this was happening now. Iran has hated Israel forever, and it would be accurate to say that they’re not fans of ours. The only thing that came to mind as having possibly caused this blow up was a possible bull semen brouhaha.
In the name of investigative journalism, I decided to go on a fact finding mission to get the straight truth about the bull semen market.
The facts I had going in were pretty simple. We sold the Iranians $12.6 million worth of bull semen in the last seven years. An Iranian general was quoted the other day as saying that their finger is always on the trigger. Iran launched test missiles yesterday, something they have not done in a long time.
I have to be honest. I’m not a good investigative journalist. I am good at coming up with retarded, ungrounded theories however, and that’s exactly what I plan to do right now.
I did a little research on bull semen pricing, and what I found was rather startling. Bullbarn.com is a site that advertises bull semen sales, and they have a great deal of stud whose semen is for sale. Here are some of the things I found:
UI Revelation P166
As the profile tells us, this bull is “big-footed, big-nutted and big-butted.” This seems like a good choice for a stud, but his semen is the cheapest on the site, going for $15 per load (I assume that’s how it’s sold). For the amount Iran has spent, they could buy 840,000 loads. That’s 120,000 a year, or 329 per day. I have to believe that Iran would get a discount if buying in bulk, too, so these numbers may even be low.
CNS Dream On L186
But, what if Iran wanted a little higher quality bull semen? Naturally, they would go for something a little pricier, like our friend “Dream On” here. Bullbarn claims that this semen is “the best return on investment for your semen dollar.” This strain costs $35 per. Still, that would be about 150 loads a day!
I have a serious suspicion that the Iranians were getting screwed, that the prices were being gouged. When I brought up all the questions about this issue, the Iranians realized that they were being had, and decided to threaten the Israelis who were mocking the Iranians for paying retail on their bull semen.
Do you think this is the first time ’semen dollar’ has made it to print?
I guess that depends on if you count something on Bullbarn.com as it being “in print.” I’m sure something along the lines of “Best Bang For Your Semen Buck” has been on a flier or poster at some point in history, advertising a fire sale at the local semen wholesale emporium.
Semen Buck!
It never gets old!