Well, our old friend Nicky Gifts has really outdone himself in the realm of creativity. I always thought that Mr. Gifts didn’t have a single creative bone on his body, but today, with his top five list assignment, he has completely proved me wrong.
As you may recall, yesterday, I was assigned a list on the top five beers in the world. Today, we go in a completely different direction and list the Top Five Mixed Drinks. I have no idea how he comes up with these topics, but I am going to take it with a grain of salt and imagine this as part two of yesterday’s list, a continuation of a series on alcoholic beverages.
Admittedly, I have more expertise in the world of beer than I do in that of cocktails, but I still think I’m up to this challenge. It’s the Top Five Mixed Drinks in the world; let’s get it on.
5) Margarita
Speaking of grains of salt, the margarita has made the list, coming in at number 5. I can’t decide whether I prefer Mexican or Italian food, but that’s really a moot point. I love them both. When you’re eating some pasta, you have to match it with a red wine (unfortunately not a mixed drink), and when you’re eating a Taco Loco, you have to pair that bitch with a nice, big margarita on the rocks. I know two things about the Mexicans, and that’s that they love cheap food and are insulted by weak drinks. I’m down with all that.
4) Harvey Wallbanger
Full disclosure: I’ve never had a Harvey Wallbanger. I’ve never seen a Harvey Wallbanger in person. I’ve been told what’s in a Harvey Wallbanger more than once, but I remember nothing. Seriously though, can you think of a more enticing name for a drink than “Harvey Wallbanger?” That sounds like a drink that is really going to fuck you up, to the point where you’re trying to violate a wall. I feel like there’s some whiskey in it, and clearly, it involves some orange juice. I only wish I had the balls to order one.
3) Irish Coffee
I drink way too much coffee. I can’t help it; I love the bean. I have trouble sleeping and I like to wake up early, so as you can imagine, coffee is my best friend, my constant companion, my confidante. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes, I like to catch a little morning buzz, and I’ll tell you right now that there is no way than putting a little whiskey in that coffee. Fuck a Bloody Mary, fuck a Mimosa, and seriously fuck that eggnog. Irish Coffee is the way to go.
2) Gin & Tonic
When I want to feel smart and classy, I light my fireplace, lay naked on my bearskin rug, and curl up with some Proust and a tall, stiff gin and tonic. I used to be on a serious G & T binge, but that all ended when I started dating a girl who was deathly allergic to juniper berries. Making out with a girl and not killing her takes precedence to feeling classy, at least it does nine times out of ten. And that one time out of ten is almost exclusively related to international espionage or super-villainy.
1) Whiskey & Coke
As if there ever was any doubt. Whiskey is a man’s drink. Coke is a man’s soda. A whiskey and coke is a man’s cocktail. Their flavors blend better than peaches and cream. The sting of the carbonation serves as the perfect introduction to the sting of the whiskey. If I were a whiskey and coke, and I were in a job interview where I was asked, “what is your greatest weakness?” I think I would have to respond that, “I’m too delicious. Dan can drink way too many of me.” What’s that? You don’t believe that I love whiskey and cokes? Well, allow me to give you a little proof.
Here’s me at the local karaoke bar, drinking a whiskey and coke, staring dreamily at a TV that showed Hugh Laurie appearing on the Tonight Show.
Here’s me pulling off the very challenging “look mom, no hands” maneuver with a whiskey and coke.
Here’s me at a party, drinking a whiskey and coke with my pants around my ankles, talking to the girl with the most remarkable pair of tits I’ve ever seen.
I think I’ve proved my point.
as if there was any doubt, your 1 and 2 are the exact same as mine.
What? No love for the Harvey Wallbanger, Crain?
I think two things. One, I also thought Nick had zero chops until he started winning Scrabble. Two, you should always start the Number 1 entry with “As if there ever was any doubt.”
First, i don’t take his winning at Scrabble seriously. I think he’s cheating. Second, don’t tell me my business. Go back and look at all my lists so far. All my number ones start with that line already!
My brother claims to have hooked up with that chick. I didn’t even wanna hear it.
“Hooked up” is a dubious term. I think she’s a delight, but I did say that she has a great pair of tits, not that she’s very sensible.
Nick started winning at Scrabble when we all started playing online. Dubious at best. You know what else is dubious? Any list of top mixed drinks that doesn’t include the SwearnGin. I just got back from a river trip and there was nothing sweeter than reaching into the cooler and coming out with a cold, frosty SwearnGin.
first off you guys can suck my ball sack because if you look at my scrabble record I am about .500 second I have won games before that were not played online so everyone eat my ass
I’m glad someone else enjoys gin & tonic! Oh and I don’t see why those tits are so great. I’ve seen better.
This is an epic occasion. We’ve actually goaded Nicky Gifts to comment on a blog. I appreciate your unwillingness to punctuate, but you still put a decimal point before the “500.” I think you should have found a different way to word this to avoid backing off your principles.
Also Gloria, I confess that this picture doesn’t showcase her breasts as well as it could, but I assure you that in person, they are breathtaking.
No, they do look floppy, but I saw Nick winning way before online Scrabble.
And I knew you were going to have every entry titled like that, but I didn’t want to look back and check.
Fuck!
cool