Friesen’s Top Five List #17: Pictures of Nicky Gifts

Today, Nicky Gifts gets his revenge.  I realize that I’ve painted myself into a little bit of a corner here by giving him so much influence over the content of my blog, and I’m sure my constant mockery of his mental abilities isn’t helping anything.

I expected when we started this thing that he would give me list topics, and every so often I would have an idea of my own.  I would tell him my idea and he would dutifully repeat it back to me as my new assignment.  This worked out in the case of the Muppets list.  Well, I tried it again today, but it didn’t go quite as planned.

Today, I wanted to make a list of the Top Five Pictures of Me.  There are some really awesome pictures of me floating around out there, and I’m always up for a little self-aggrandizement.  Most likely in retaliation for my saying that he is entirely uncreative and that his streak of liquid-related lists were weak, he has used my list suggestion against me and assigned me a list of the Top Five Pictures of Nicky Gifts.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the type of guy who always tries to look for the brightside, even in the most difficult of situations.  This could be a blessing in disguise, after all, I have mentioned Nicky Gifts on many occasions on this blog, but many of you probably don’t know anything about him.  This is your opportunity to learn all there is to know about my old friend Nicky Gifts.  This is the Top Five Pictures of Nicky Gifts; let’s get it on.

5) “I Ated Too Much Chocolate”

If there’s one thing you should know about Nicky Gifts, it’s that he will touch your kids.  If there’s a second thing you should know about Nicky Gifts, it’s that he loves the sweets.  He has problems.  In this picture, he is writhing around on the floor, after having eaten an entire bag of Dove dark chocolates.  Incidentally, this picture was taken early on during the night when he and I watched all the Death Wish movies back to back.

4) “Gimme That Food!”

Another thing that characterizes Mr. Gifts, it’s that he is offended by people who don’t clean their plate.  I’m the type of guy who eats until he’s full, then stops, regardless of whether or not I’ve finished all the food in front of me.  Nicky Gifts is the type of guy who gets mad at me for not finishing my food, then proceeds to eat whatever food I’ve left behind.  In this picture, Nicky Gifts steals some of James “Desolation” Williams’ pita.

3) “I Love America and Martians”

Nicky Gifts is a blue collar man, through and through.  Thankfully, he doesn’t think that Jeff Foxworthy is funny, but other than that, he’s what I like to call “salt of the earth.”  He works in the manual labor world, he listens to a lot of country music (like Toby Keith), and he has a big collection of American flag patterned clothes.  In this picture, he shows that not all proud Americans are xenophobic.

2) “No, Not The Balls”

You knew from the beginning that I couldn’t make this list without involving myself somehow.  In this picture, Nicky Gifts runs scared from me flashing my nut sac at a party.  This was a “no pants” themed party, and on the way there, I threatened to give everyone at the party a dose of sac.  I don’t think my threats were deemed credible, hence the surprise on Mr. Gifts’ face upon seeing my batwing.

1) “Dude, Nice Urine Stream”

As if there was ever any doubt.  Nicky Gifts has a terrible history of peeing in public.  Though he’s never been arrested for it, he seems to see the world as his own personal urinal.  In this picture, Nicky Gifts pees on a bus stop in Boulder.  I don’t want to toot my own horn, but damn that was some good photography on my part.  I managed to actually capture the urine stream in the picture, but not his penis.  I’d like to see Ansel Adams pull off that shit.  As an extra bonus, here’s a picture of Nicky Gifts peeing on a golf course.