There’s chaos in the streets! Vandals are taking over! You’re not safe!
It’s being reported today that throughout California and in New York, a new form of organized crime is popping up, and it’s threatening to change the lives of everyone, forever.
“They’re like an army out there.”
“They’re in trucks. They’re on cell phones. It’s a business.”
“These guys are becoming much more organized and much more prevalent.”
“You’re in big trouble.”
This new organized crime, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, is stealing garbage. It turns out that going through people’s trash and pulling out recyclables can be very profitable, and “poachers” have started stealing garbage and making beaucoup bucks. This is really pissing off city hall, for reasons that entirely escape me. In San Francisco, “poachers” who get caught can get six months in the clink and a $500 fine. In New York, they can face a $5,000 fine and possible jail time. For stealing shit that people have thrown away.
It’s stories like this that really make me worried about the future of America. Recycling is a good thing, right? I mean, it’s not like their rifling through the trash, looking for bank statements to use to steal people’s identities; they’re looking for bottles and cans that people are too fucking lazy to separate from their spent coffee filters.
Aren’t we at war? Isn’t the real estate market in the toilet? Isn’t our economy racing towards that same toilet? Aren’t 45 people murdered every day in our country? Aren’t 78 women sexually assaulted every hour in our country? Should we really be spending valuable public resources and man-hours trying to crack down on people who are stealing garbage so they can recycle it?
I think we have a new marquee issue for Jesse Jackson to complain about. I don’t want to irresponsibly spread hearsay and gossip, but I have it from a very reputable source that he’s going to enter the ’08 Presidential Election on the “Don’t Steal Garbage From Black People” ticket. I guess that’s what he meant when he was talking about “the issues that really matter to Americans.”
Indeed. Why hate people who could help with our waste management problems when there are a lot more bigger crimes happening around us?
that’s not me
Oh my god, I am so confused.
“Matt” needs to change his name.
Dan, is there any way you can make it so that we can delete our own comments?
Can you make it so we can delete other people’s comments, and maybe entire blog postings?
That would be ideal, wouldn’t it?
Hey, by the way, this is bullshit.
Police can search your garbage cans (on the street) without a warrant because you’ve technically abandoned the contents. It doesn’t seem to make any legal sense that garbage could be “stolen.”