Friesen’s Top Five List #18: Ways To Light A Cigarette

I’m a smoker, ladies and gentlemen.  I know that it’s a really unhealthy thing to do, but I’ve weighed the risks and decided it’s okay for now.  And I’m addicted.

I started smoking a few years ago while working at Forum 8 Theater.  I came to realize that people who smoked got more breaks, and that all the managers smoked.  I realized that the way to get quality face time with the managers was to start smoking, and my plan worked.  I ended up becoming a manager, in no small part due to my witty cigarette break performances.

So, I smoke, but never more than a pack a day.  Unless I’m drinking.  Or I’m particularly stressed out.  Anyway, I feel that I am a bit of an expert in cigarette etiquette, and really in all things related to smoking, so it was with much excitement that I received today’s Top Five List assignment from old Nicky Gifts: Top Five Ways To Light A Cigarette.

I could goof around some more, or tell a nice story about the time I burnt my finger and set my hair on fire trying to light a cigarette with a roman candle, but let’s just get down to business.  It’s the Top Five Ways To Light A Cigarette; let’s get it on.

Before I get down to the business of this list, let’s just take a second to enjoy this picture of a monkey smoking.

There is nothing funnier than a monkey smoking.  Stupid monkey, can’t you read the surgeon general’s warnings?  Here’s another picture of the same monkey, from another angle.

5) Stove Top

Although this method is reasonably effective, and will get the job done, you never, ever use the stove to light a cigarette unless you are in a terrible, desperate place.  I’ve been to that place many times, and being there is no picnic.  The first problem is that most stoves are electric, and it’s exceedingly difficult to light a cigarette on a red hot coil.  The second problem is that this is never your first choice.  You always light a cigarette on a stove after first exhausting yourself going on an extended and fruitless search around your apartment for a working lighter.  As a little bonus, here’s a picture that shows the absolute wrong way to light a cigarette on a stove.

4) Burning Flag

I’m not sure if flag burning is still a crime, but if it is, then I would dare say that it’s the best crime for lighting a cigarette.  How is rape supposed to light your cig?  I guess arson could do the trick, but arson fires are notoriously unwieldy.  I’d probably end up catching my beard on fire.  Here’s a picture of a monkey smoking, contemplating using his cigarette to start a forest fire.

3) Match

Lighting your cigarette with a match is either classy or gay.  Some might say that it’s ironic, but I believe that fits nicely under the “gay” umbrella.  I miss the days when gas stations would give out free matches, as I’m tired of having a lighter at home, but having to buy one of those dollar bics because I want to smoke one on the walk home.  Here’s a picture of a monkey that I guarantee lights his smokes with matches.

2) Lit Cigarette

Now, I’m no chain smoker, but I realize the efficiency of lighting one cigarette with another.  There’s no wasted butane, no sulfur released into the atmosphere, and no warehouses have to go up in flames.  The only thing that could be better than lighting your cigarette with another cigarette would be lighting your cigarette with this monkey’s cigarette.  Be sure to bring him a banana offering.

1) Bic Lighter

As if there was ever any doubt.  This absolutely has to be the best way to light a cigarette because it’s the most common, easiest method.  True, I’m not a fan of child locks, and it’s always a bummer when your lighter runs out of fuel, but I think the pros outweigh the cons.

I’m going to leave you now with a picture of a very confused monkey in a hat and glasses, getting ready to light his tobacco stick.

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