I think this would be as good a time as any to reiterate that I have no control over what I make these lists about. I relinquished that control the moment I told Nicky Gifts to give me a daily assignment, and all I can do is dutifully complete said assignment or face failure, the penalty for which is seppuku. Since I’m not quite ready to be disemboweled, I have to just bite the bullet and write about whatever Nicky Gifts tells me to.
Today, I have a sincere challenge. Today, I have to make a top five list of male pornstars. I don’t spend too much time while watching porn focusing on the male performers, they’re really more things than people. The real saving grace of this list is that male pornstars tend to have really funny names, and that is what I am going to use as my main criteria in making this list.
Again, mom, dad, this one might not be for you.
Alright, here it comes, the Top Five Male Pornstars; let’s get it on.
5) John Holmes
John Holmes is a ridiculous man. He was at the exact right place at the exact right time back in the 70’s, and became a porno icon for it. He comes in at number five on the list because of the very distracting monologues he’s known to give at the beginnings of his movies, most notably in “My Tongue Is Quick.” Also, it’s pretty distracting how he’s never really ever fully erect; he’s always got a leathery boner. It was a different time, I guess.
Credits include: Carnal Encounters of the Barest Kind, Confessions of a Teenage Peanutbutter Freak, and The Lost Gay Tapes of John Holmes.
4) Chocoball Mukai
Chocoball is a Japanese pornstar and professional wrestler. I don’t really know anything about him, but man, that is a great name. It turns out that he was given the name because of his darkly-skinned ball sac.
Credits include: I have no idea.
3) Mandingo
Mandingo is an African American pornstar, possibly best known for his roles in the Gangland series. It turns out that he was not actually named after the Ken Norton movie from 1975, but earned his nickname in high school, god knows why. Wikipedia has a very interesting passage: “So far the only actresses who have managed to deepthroat Mandingo, are Bobbi Bliss and Alana Moore. Actress Katsumi, who succeeded in deepthroating another African giant, Lexington Steele, failed to do so with Mandingo. The only girl who is now willing to face the challenge of deepthroating Mandingo is Annette Schwarz after her successful deepthroating of Jack Napier.” This is some great information, Wikipedia. Only you can tell me what the annual GDP of New Caledonia is and tell me who can deepthroat Mandingo.
Credits include: Big Black Beef Stretches Little Pink Meat #3, Crème De La Face #37: Power To The Penis!, and Different Strokes #11: Boneward Bound.
2) Dick Smothers Jr.
First, he has the words “dick” and “smother” in his name. Second, he is the son of Dick Smothers, one half of the classic comedy team The Smothers Brothers. The Smothers Brothers, though not very hip these days, were responsible for some really good comedy and some decent satire in the late 60’s and 70’s. And now one of their sons is making pornos. I’m sure papa Dick Smothers is very proud, but really, he should have known better than to give him a name like that in a time like this. If my name were Dick Smothers, I would have no choice but to make a few pornos.
Credits include: Fistful of Musketeers, Cheeks and Thong’s Up In Stroke, and Smother Sisters.
1) Dick Rambone
As if there was ever any doubt. Dick Rambone has the greatest porn name ever, and gave himself the name because he thought he looked a bit like Stallone. I don’t know about that. Anyway, I don’t really have much to say about him, I really just want to get this list over with, and move on to greener pastures.
Credits include: Boobs, Butts, and Bloopers, Let’s Get It On, Rambone Meets The Double Penetrators, Rambone The Destroyer, and Angels of Mercy.
Don’t forget about My Tongue Is Quick.
“Goddamn, dude, lay off the fuckin’ ‘ludes!”
We Must Never Forget…About My Tongue Is Quick. That’s my new bumper sticker.
You promised to write something wholesome this time.
Oh no. I was afraid I would be called out on that. I intended to post my Cheers and Jeers in between these lists, but I hadn’t finished it yet. Please accept my apologies.
What a square!