Friesen’s Top Five List #38: Countries To Live In For a Month (But Not More)

One of the things many of you don’t know about me is that I am a worldly man.  I am a man who loves the idea of travel, but thoroughly despises actually traveling once I’ve started.  Some (everyone who’s ever traveled with me) might say that I’m a baby, but I prefer to say that I just really love being at home.  It’s not that I love my apartment; it’s really nothing too special.  I just like to be close to my base, wherever that might be.

It is exactly that tendency of mine that makes today’s list especially difficult.  Today, I have been assigned a list of the Top Five Countries To Live In For a Month (But Not More).

I am an American, every part of my being loves this country, but at the same time, I am free of a certain amount of wanderlust.  I would love to spend some time seeing the world, but my interests in travel destinations don’t really match up with the rest of humanity.  I have little interest in seeing the world’s most revered pieces of art, or seeing the remains of long dead civilizations.  No, I have my own priorities, priorities which I will use to make my own travel itinerary, in top five list form.

Alright, it’s the Top Five Countries To Live In For a Month (But Not More).  Let’s get it on.

5) Tibet

As best I can tell, a visit to Tibet provides the best bang for your buck.  And when I say “bang,” I really mean bang.  Just imagine the amount of tail you could pull in at some jam band concert.  Fifteen minutes into the hot noodling session, you turn to the white chick with dreadlocks next to you and inform her that you were recently in Tibet, and next thing you know, you’re smoking weed out of her vag-hooka.  You could even tell her that you met the Dalai Lama, how the hell is she going to know better?

4) Bangladesh

Bangladesh is a dirt poor country, and that’s the only reason I want to go there.  I’ve been broke all my life, and I’ve grown used to feeling the shame of buying a pack of Always Save cigarettes with dimes and nickels.  If I wanted a real nice vacation, it would have to be to a place where I could live like a king, and Bangladesh is just such a place.  I have fifty bucks in my bank account, which is pretty much nothing here, but more than enough to begin an early retirement in Bangladesh.

3) Mexico

I have a certain love of the Mexican way of life.  I love tacos, I love margaritas, and I love the sound of people speaking Spanish.  Yet, I am not sure I could handle living in Mexico full time, despite all the great taco stands.  I’m pretty sure if I lived somewhere where I was allowed to buy cheap and legal prescription drugs, I would go off the deep end real fast.  I know myself well enough to know that I love drugs, and most of what keeps me from getting strung out on vicodin is that I figure it would be really hard to get my hands on any vicodin.  I love drugs, but I love being lazy even more.

2) Greece

I know what a lot of you are thinking: I went to Greece for a month last summer, and had a miserable time.  The truth is that I had a miserable time because I had no money and I was with my family.  If I could go back with a few clams in my pocket and without my parents, I think I could have a grand old time.  My first stop if I go back: the Museum of Olive Oils in Sparta.  I bet they give out great samples.

1) Ethiopia

As if there was ever any doubt.  Of my many loves (pornography, salt, Camel Lights, baths, The Wire), nothing comes close to my love of coffee.  I love the brew.  If I don’t drink at least a pot every morning, I’m just not right.  Even if I don’t have class until 10, I still have to get up around six to drink my fill.  And that is why I think taking a trip to Ethiopia would be an ideal vacation for me.  Ethiopia is the birthplace of coffee.  Over a thousand years ago, a goatherd noticed that his goats were all pepped up after eating beans from a certain plant.  He decided that the goats looked like they were having a good time, and it wasn’t hurting them, so maybe he should try some himself.  He did and the rest is history.  Oh, what fun I could have, trying to hunt down the very place the first coffee plant was harvested.  I could die happy, preferably inside the confines of my shitty apartment.