I’m a man who hates few things more in life than trite, constantly repeated bullshit. For example, every time I watch a football game featuring the commentary of John Madden, I want to throw my remote at the TV every time he says some asinine thing like “you have to catch the ball in order to get a completed pass.” Really, John? Interesting.
I was struck by a similar feeling this New Year’s Eve while watching some CNN or FOX News countdown feature. No less than three (3) times, I witnessed some talking head announce that, without a doubt, “2009 will be the best year ever.” First of all, I’m not comfortable with the possibility that some news network talking head is blessed with the gift of precognition. I choose to believe that this guy probably didn’t have the second sight and was just shooting off at the mouth. He probably said the same thing about 2008, 2007, and 2005 (but not 2006. He fell off his medication in mid-December, 2005).
Naturally, my reaction to the whole thing was something along the lines of “fuck that. This year will be like any other, full of disappointments, shameful pornographic binges, and even more shameful Lifetime Original Movie binges. What a dick.”
Well, it looks like I may have been wrong. It may be too early to say that 2009 is the “best year ever,” but things are going quite well so far this year, if only because of this one story I read today:
Katy Perry and Travis McCoy Break Up!
It’s about goddamn time. Katy Perry is a genuine star, who’s got nowhere to go but up, but that Travis McCoy is bad news. Those Gym Class Heroes are more done than Pete Wentz’s kid’s chances at heterosexuality. They’re more done than the careers of 9/10ths of the 0-16 Detroit Lions lineup. What I’m trying to say is that The Gym Class Heroes suck.
I guess Katy Perry kind of sucks too, but I’ll always have a soft spot for her, mostly because I thought she was Zooey Deschanel the first three times I saw her. And because she wrote this song.
I expect that Katy is going to be just fine, but Travis I’m a little worried about. He posted this sentence on his blog that makes me suspect that he’s lost his mind:
“My Laptop is my new bitch. LOYAL. LISTENS. and NEVER LET’S ME DOWN”
The problems with this sentence are two-fold. First, I worry about his selective use of capital letters. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. He capitalizes words that don’t need to be capitalized, yet neglects to capitalize the a in “and.” This is troubling, but pales in comparison to the second, far more serious issue, which I will explain with this picture:
No matter how great a laptop is, there’s no way it’s got titties like that. Come on, Travis; get it together.
Seriously, we’re only three days into this year, and already a hot big-titted version of Zooey Deschanel has seen the light and broken up with a mega-douche. We could be in for the greatest year ever after all.
