Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no doubt that it’s been a while since I last made one of these here Top Five Lists, but I assure you that I haven’t lost my touch. Much like Rocky in the most recent Rocky movie, I’ve still got it.
Today’s list was inspired by a game of Boggle I played the other day. One of the words I found on the board was “peen,” which was deemed “not a word” by pretty much everyone at the table. I was disheartened by their lack of intellectual and linguistic largesse, but there was no way I was about to cross that word off my list. I found “peen” and “peens;” that’s three whole points. In the world of competitive Boggle, every little bit counts.
Well, imagine my competitors’surprise when we opened up the dictionary and found this entry:
Peen: wedge or ball shaped end of a hammer.
At first glance, I was glad to keep my points with no fight (my final score for the round: 5), but the more I thought about it, the dirtier I felt. A peen isn’t a part of a hammer; it’s a dick.
I stared at that dictionary entry, and a feeling of disgust washed over me. In our modern world, we don’t give nearly enough respect to slang. Every few months, we hear about Webster relaxing his overly-clenched anus and letting some new slang term into his sacred tome. Almost invariably, they induct some technology-related word: blog, twitter, gizmobob. Webster never, ever shows any love to the world of anatomical slang. And that’s a shame. A damn shame.
Well, I’ve never been one to give any respect to the establishment. I’ve always been one to look the establishment in it’s eye (the establishment is a cyclops) and say, “Hey Establishment, you don’t own me, man.” And it’s in that tritely roguish spirit that I bring you today’s list. Yeah, man, I don’t have the same values as you, Establishment. I’m going to honor things you’re not so into.
Alright, it’s the Top Five Anatomical Slang Terms. Let’s get it on.
5) B-Hole
Sure, it’s really just butthole without the “utt,” but for some reason, that little omission adds a great deal to this term. “Shove it up your B-Hole,” “My B-Hole itches,” “My B-Hole is for pooing, not screwing;” this term works in a variety of contexts, but really lacks the cleverness to make it any higher on this list.
4) Soup Cooler
About two years ago, I was flipping through the channels on my TV box, when I came across something very baffling on BET. They were airing a top five music video countdown, and the day’s theme was Top Five Soup Coolers. I had absolutely no idea what a “soup cooler” was, and watching the videos gave me no useful clues. I consulted an online slang dictionary, but found no answers. After about a year and a half of not really caring, it was pointed out to me by a friend that a soup cooler was a mouth, and ever since then I’ve tried to use the term sparingly in my conversation.
3) Gams
Ain’t nothing wrong with a nice pair o’ gams. Am I right or am I right? I love the word “gams,” because of its closeness to other very non-sexual words (yams, gums) and one potentially sexual word (clams). I like to go to a local karaoke night, tell the DJ to put on ZZ Top’s “Legs,” and replace every instance of the word “legs” with “gams.” It really throws off the rhyming scheme.
2) Joint/Crank (tie)
This is a rare occasion here at Friesen Point; we actually have a tie for the #2 spot on the list. There are just so many great names for the penis: wang, dong, peen, peener, baby arm, johnson, joystick, schmeckel; the list goes on and on. In the end, choosing just one was too hard, so I decided that joint and crank were as good as it got. My reasoning for this is two-fold. First, both of these words are nouns that mean other things. Second, there’s something pleasing about how the words are monosyllabic. They’re short and crisp, two adjectives you don’t really want used to describe your schmeckel, but somehow work well to describe words that describe your schmeckel.
1) Snizz
As if there was ever any doubt. I gotta be totally honest with you; I don’t really have any description or argument for why “snizz” is taking the top spot other than, “just say it out loud.” Snizz. It’s great. I’ve always been a fan of the “s-(fill in the blank)” double consonant. “Sn” is solid, “st” isn’t bad, “sp” is okay, but pretty pedestrian. I like the crazy ones like “sm” (as in smegma) or “sk” (as in ska). Plus, who doesn’t like the double-z? I can’t think of a double-z word I don’t like: fuzz, jazz, jizz, razz (street slang for “raspberry”). Great word.
I readily and supportively use Gams on a daily basis.
I’d also like to see your rendition of ZZ Top’s Legs…
I’m telling you Blondie, my beard is a little too short to pull off an appropriate ZZ Top performance, but soon enough, I’ll be back in fighting form. It’s pretty breathtaking.
Joint/Crank is awesome because you can verbify them into other slang terms of considerably coarser magnitudes.
We have way too many people named Matt around here. Word up to all you Matts: you need to come up with better handles. That goes for all of you, except Matt. You know which one you are. The one named Matt.
I’ve always liked plain old BOX. I think it’s kind of cute.
This brings up something I was talking about the other day; Is “pussy” a slang term anymore? I would guess that in about 90% of non-medically related conversation, the vagina is called the pussy. That’s not really a fun or cute term for it nowadays; that’s just what it is, the pussy. I guess “dick” falls into this category too.
(The real Matt)
“Real Matt”- I am of the camp that says that pussy is no longer slang. I think that, in much the same way that foreign words can be Americanized (a la “souffle”), slang terms can become part of the non-slang world. And I think this is something we do, as a people. This isn’t the thing that Webster does, artificially ushering a word or two into his stupid book each year.
Tils- I agree that “box” is somehow cute. It’s kind of quaint, really.
I agree with dick being non slang, but not so much pussy. I don’t think that many women refer to their vagina as a pussy, unless they’re intentionally trying to turn someone on or something.
I would understand what you were talking about though if you said pussy so I guess that’s what you mean. I’ll take your word for it that for guys the term is commonplace.
In my experience at least, it’s something you always omit. There’s no need to name your vagina ever. You just say, I was eaten out, I was really wet, He did whatever to ME… not my vag. Maybe it’s part of the whole hetero/ patriarchal lexicon. If I was retelling a sexcapade to my friends, I’d never ever ever say pussy. EVER.
That being said, I’m bringing VAGINA back!
You’re right, tils. The girls that use “pussy” in sex talk also most likely refer to their pussy in the third person while shooting porn. (“Oh yeah, fuck that pussy!”) They probably spit on your dick during oral, too.
I think “freak box” should start being used in reference to the vagina.
I just want to know what the offensive photo was.
It was a picture of a girl riding a huge mechanical bull shaped like a wang. Not offensive at all.
Hmm. And Madonna isn’t offensive to some of us?
Hmm. After reading the comments, I think I may have to rescend my opinion of “pussy” not being slang. I guess I was speaking strictly from the male side, and disregarding the opinons of the ladies. With that said, “dick” is definitely not slang. In fact, I would only use “penis” if I wanted to try and sound funny.
So, box is “cute,” but Box-huggers crosses the line?
What a crock of shit.