Ladies and gentlemen, there may be nothing that bothers me more than when someone new in my life learns that I have roots in the Mennonite church, and then they invariably ask “so you’re Amish?” It’s not that I have some sort of pride about my heritage, it’s just annoying. It’s tantamount to the frequent question I get, “how long did it take you to grow that beard?” It’s lame, people.
Seriously, if I have one piece of advice to give everyone in the world, it is this: never be the person who asks the first question that comes to your mind. You have to know that whatever comes to your mind first is going to be, at least 99% of the time, the first thing that comes to everybody’s mind. And really, how is it going to affect your life to know how long it took me to grow this beard? Live your life, friend. Grow your own beard and see how long it takes you.
But I’m getting off course here. I was talking about being Mennonite.
I’ve always felt that the source of that shitty question I always get is that there really aren’t any Mennonite or Amish celebrities which people could use to differentiate between the two cultures, the two faiths. Thankfully, Verne Troyer, of Surreal Life fame, has recently revealed that he grew up Amish!
Unfortunately, there still isn’t any Mennonite celebrity, so I’ll just use myself as the representative for the Mennos. Here I present to you a side by side comparison of myself and Verne Troyer, may now the difference between the Amish and the Mennonites be clear.
Verne Troyer (Amish): Captured on film drunkenly peeing on a rug, while standing on motorized scooter.
Dan Friesen (Mennonite): Captured on film drunkenly peeing on a tree next to the 13th hole of the Lake Of The Woods golf course.
Verne Troyer (Amish): Has a porno tape out on the market.
Dan Friesen (Mennonite): Has seen every porno tape out on the market, but has made none himself.
Verne Troyer (Amish): Can drive a horse and buggy.
Dan Friesen (Mennonite): Can sort of drive a stick-shift, but suspects that his recklessness with the throttle is doing some serious damage to the tranny.
Verne Troyer: (Amish): His parent make homemade apple butter.
Dan Friesen (Mennonite): His parents make him slightly uncomfortable to be talking about beating off so much on the internet.
Some of you may think this is something of an elementary analysis of the two faiths, and all of you people would be wrong. This is really all you need to know about the Amish and the Mennonites. Amish people pee in living rooms, make their own pornography, drive buggies, and make their own preserves. Mennonites pee on golf courses, watch too much pornography but make none themselves, feel uncertain about their ability to drive, and feel a certain amount of shame about their art.
I certainly hope this clears things up, and from now on people can stop asking me how long it took me to grow my beard.
Stick shifts have something to do with transvestites?
The wisdom I learn from friesenpoint!
“Tranny” is also short for “transmission.” Sorry if that bursts your bubble.
Thanks for fucking up my car.
Your car is an automatic. I was referring to my old Honda Civic, the transmission of which I had to replace twice. I have treated your car with nothing but respect, though I will confess that I need to do a better job with cleaning it.
I still stand by the idea that “tranny” is short for transvestite and that a transmission is just that. No cute nicknames.