In Which Dan Friesen Does His Part To End Strife In Our Times

Ladies and gentlemen, there are certain questions in life that everyone asks, but no one seems to have all the answers to.  These questions are often contentious ones, and discussion of such questions invariably leads to flying fists and ruptured relations.  One such question came up at last week’s As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show (Tuesday nights at Eastside Tavern, 9:30ish), and, try as I might have to stop the bedlam, I could do nothing.  Now, in the safety of my own home, as someone who genuinely knows the answer to the question, I feel behooved to settle this once and for all.

I’m referring, of course, to the question of “what the fuck was going on with the old McDonalds advertising?”

Now, I accept that this is a big question, so I will break it down into smaller questions that will combine to tell you all you need to know about McDonaldland and its many happy inhabitants.

1) What was the Grimace?

Someone at the show last week was of the mind that the Grimace was a milkshake, but this person (you know who you are) is a damn fool.  While it is true that the Grimace loved the milkshakes, he is in fact a tastebud, that is inexplicably purple and ambulatory.  He was originally intended to be Ronald McDonald’s nemesis, but this didn’t test well, so they made him Ronald’s retarded flunky.

2) Did the Grimace have any relatives?

I’m so glad you asked.  In fact, the Grimace had an uncle named O’Grimacey, who lived in Ireland and looked a lot like the mucus beings from the Mucinex commercials.

He would come visit the Grimace for a month every March, and would bring with him the native Irish treat, the Shamrock Shake.

I have a couple problems with this aspect of the McDonaldland mythology.  First, it seems impossible to me that he could transport a month’s worth of Shamrock Shakes across the ocean in any way other than by oil tanker, and even then, that’s only realistic if McDonaldland is located on a coast.  Second,  how does it make sense that this guy from Ireland would choose to take a vacation every year around the stereotypical Irish holiday?  Where better to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day than Ireland?  Would the Grimace’s uncle from Rio come down for a month around Carnivale?  Would said hypothetical uncle bring with him rice and beans or coxinhas, the popular Brazilian chicken croquette?  It doesn’t add up is all I’m saying.

3) What was the deal with the Hamburgler?

When he was 6, he was molested by Burger Beagle, the criminal hamburger enthusiast from Duck Tales.

4) Where did the McDonaldland campaign really lose it?

The campaign undoubtedly went way off the rails when they introduced the character CosMc.

CosMc was a many-armed alien who talked like Matthew McConaughey.  He lived on the moon, which made no fucking sense.  How did Ronald McDonald make it to the moon?  Don’t you tell me it’s magic.  I don’t believe in that shit.

5) What’s the difference between Officer Big Mac and Mayor McCheese?

Lettuce, special sauce, and one bun.  Also, Officer Big Mac makes considerably more money than Mayor McCheese, mostly because he was on the grift.

I hope this has cleared things up for you a bit, and that this question never causes another fight like the one that broke out at the last As Yet Unnamed Comedy Show (Tuesdays, Eastside Tavern).  Sweet lord, we’re lucky we all made it out alive.  

If you have any further questions regarding McDonaldland, feel free to drop them in the comments section.